Mainly to protect the innocent by my speaking my thoughts. The past week I have been moonlighting as counselor again. This time to a woman who through her own faults has alienated her husband of ten years to Second Life. She thought she was doing the right thing when being there she tried to "fix" someone. This past Nov she admitted she left her home state and went thousands of miles away to be with this fixer upper for almost a month. She lost everything. And for what?

I have spoken many times of cheating, and lies. How it affected me, and my life. SO why did I choose to help her...

I dont know.

Maybe I saw how foolish she was. Saw her beating herself up over it. Genuine remorse gets me. SOmething ive not experienced in any relationship of mine. I felt pity. I knew what had gone wrong and I just wanted to be there for her to vent to. Maybe offer advice. But since Ive never been married, in a relationship that long and never cheated on anyone what advice could I offer worth anything...

Family, namely my cousin and her husband expressed discontent about my internet habits since Ive been down here. Little do they realize how little I spent on the computer here compared to my level of use at home. Or why I even bother logging on to begin with when I could be going out, meeting people. A little discussion today with an old friend only brought that back into focus.

When I go out, people stare. They gawk. They make faces sort of like the ones when you see something distateful on your plate at dinner.

I spent two years in a job I was told that women would line up to marry me. Two years I didnt even go on one date. Are they liars, or am I just not what people want to see.

It makes going out in public very uncomfortable. I laugh it off when people call me scary. Its even amusing when people say Im huge and stuff. But its the looks women give me which make me feel less than masculine. "Confidence is sexy". I hear it over and over. It doesnt work for everyone. Doesnt matter how profound my jawline is. How deep my eyes are. If I fail to make the cut in the first second of making eyecontact confidence doesnt mean shit. You cant make people like what they see. I could be the funniest motherfucker on the planet but it doesnt mean shit when the curtain is pulled away and this is what they see. Pessimistic? Yep. But lets not forget its based on years of experience, and trial and error. It isnt just self pity. Marine Corp dress blues didnt get me laid. Being a man in a uniform didnt get me laid. Being nice didnt get me laid. Being an asshole certainly didnt get me laid. But crawlign up a chickens ass will. Wether the chicken likes it or not.

Eough negativity. Tomorrow is payday. Having worked 18 hours most days this past pay period I can only guess if it will be good or not. Less than two weeks of work doesnt make up for a month of sitting on my ass. Nor does sitting here typing this when I could be working.

I made a series of phone calls Christmas day. If I had your number, I called. Wished everyone a "merry, merry" whatever that means. I was given one gift by my cousin and her husband. A St Christopher's necklace. She said she knows Im not spiritual or anything but wanted me to have it. SOmeone wishing me safty, by any means is a good thing so I put it on, and I will wear it as a sign of luck from those who love me.

All thats left is the new year. This time last year I bought a $50 bottle of champagne. I drank it with fresh strawberries for luck for a new year with good things in it. 2006 has been full of mixed signals so I cant tell if it was a good year or a bad year. There will be no drink this year. No fruit. No kiss. Never had the kiss so I guess Im better off.

I want so much, and have so little to show for it. I want change. And progress. And, and....

I want more than I have been given. More than I know Ive earned.