My time spent here in the deep south has not been what I thought it would be. Not because I am easily fooled, or led by my naive thoughts but because well, I was lied to. Or rather misled by those who dont see the forest for the trees.

"There is plenty of work offshore, you just have to want to work"

Let us take a closer look at what I have experienced about that past statement written in the previous moment. The company recruiter, school instructors, and corporate headquarters all saud the same thing to me having passed through their doors in my travels to get where I am now. So many people cant be wrong right?

I officially started work on October 11, 2006. Now it is January 4, 2007. Just shy of three months. Right? In those three months I have been called out to work on a vessel 2 times. One. Two. The first job was about 14 days in length. The last day before I was told I was to be taken off the vessel I injured myself ON THE JOB. Proper protocol was followed, paperwork filed out and interviews completed on my end. Four weeks pass. Unable to work for four weeks, I sit on my ass doing nothing. No work benifits are given. No money for a month. The company asked me to see a doctor to get clearance to work again which I did no questions asked. Having aquired the proper authorization I returned to work a few days later. This time for 10 days. We returned to port for bad weather on Dec 20, 2006.

"you can stay on the boat and be paid for standing by"

I was told in no uncertain terms to take all my gear with me when we reached port. I didnt feel as if my time on that boat had gone well, as most people would agree with me on that particular vessels reputation. We came in for weather, and two weeks have passed since arriving in port. No calls. I leave voicemails each day, sometimes multiple times to diffrent people. They go unreturned.

24 days.

I have worked just over three weeks in three months. At this rate I will be bankrupt in no time. Even if I were to be called into work, it will have been another month before I see a dime in a payday.

It has made me bitter. if I had known I would be not working for weeks at a time, I would have tried to be home for the holidays. See my ailing family. Missed oppertunities dont come that often. Relying on family to keep me sheltered, feeling like a burden to them and being blacklisted(?) by work I am left wondering why I ever came 1600 miles in the first place.

2006 started off better than 2007. 2006 ended poorly in my humble opinion. This all makes for a poor frame of mind, and poor self image, especially for someone with higher standards.

I watched Kingdom of Heaven last night. The first time I saw it was on my first vessel, right after being injured. It made more sense this time.

A man comes from nothing, deep in mourning and loss and struggles to find the meaning of his life, and to make up for his shortcomings and those of his dead family. Faced with certain death he travels far away in search of salvation, and something better for himself. On this pilgrimage he faces tormentors, deciet and betrayal. Keeping a promise he gains noteriety amoung his fellow men and rises in reputation, and stature by his character. Even when his concience costs him blood, in the end he finds what he was seeking all along. Or so I gathered.

The vague, cliffnotes version of that story sort of parralells how I feel at times. I must make a pilgrimage, suffer at others whims and I will find my just reward in the end. Without the end in sight it only seems like a set of rolling hills with one peak after another. The sense of accomplishment is lost when you must lower yourself into that slough, and fight to regain your altitude when you can once again see the horizon open up before you as the sun sets yet again on another time in your life. But even in the trenches of sand there is comfort in looking up and seeing stars overhead in the night of your own confusion. Small gains. Small losses. But still making towards to goal... right?

My penance has been long. My reward long in coming. SOmedays it just seems like forever awaits me over the next dune. WHy even continue to take another step? Am I traveling in circles making no headway. Have I lost direction....

Answers to these questions would offer some comfort. Even if the answers are within me, I couldnt understand them anyway. Ive been lost for too long without a guide.