You know those times.... when you feel really shitty about yourself. Negative, even if unjustified, and unsubstantiated. There is something feeling sucky about you. And right at that moment, you need reassurance you dont suck. You matter, and you are worth something.

The kicker, is that it has to come from certain people, a stranger saying it means nothing. Its those who matter to us most which carry the most weight. The difference tonight is the person I need to hear it from cannot tell me.

Im still, trying to cope with you being gone, Sam. Its been very hard for me to bear. I admit it openly. Some days pass where I am ignorant to the fact you arent coming back. I havent deleted any of your IM contacts. Everything is as it was before you left us. Like an unfinished sentence...

My iPod was strapped to my head for two hours as I lay in the dark last night into the early morning listening to one song, over and over. Wasnt a song we shared with each other, but it was a song which I found myself singing out loud to you, in hushed tones...as the rest of the house was asleep and I didnt want them to think I was a mental case.

Cried for two hours.....then went to bed dreaming of you hearing the song, and smiling. Even though I never saw you smile before.

Im a tough man to love. There is alot of emotional baggage following me around. Some people would say I shouldnt live in the past. They would say I need to forget the past and move on. Those are also the people who forget the past, and still piss into the wind.

My past is what makes me who I am, better or worse. Unconventional thinking is what drives me. Makes me ask questions, and seek answers. Unconventional thinking is what allows me to peer inside your head, your heart, your soul..... as much as my own and live vicariously through the eyes of people Ive never met. Walk a mile in their shoes. Wear their skin. We arent so dissimilar as we would like to think, so My emotions are the same as yours. This is where insight comes from. But even the wisest of people cant see everything. Sam was full of surprises. One of the interesting things about her I loved so much, was learning new things.

Andrew told me I made her cry sometimes.....

I asked her once why she liked picking on me. This isnt the first time Ive ever asked such a question, but it was the first time I asked her.....it made her cry he said. "Making Sam think is as effective as telling her she was wrong."

I didnt want to upset her, but I understood the significance of it. We measure our value, in the things we believe to be true, and false. Intelligence is what makes us who we are. Sam was amazingly intelligent. IQ well over 180. Maybe even over 200.

Learning this didnt put me off. But it made talks with Sam more interesting because I had to force myself to understand what she tried showing me about things. Her philosophies were a little hard to understand at times. Her logic was a little hard to follow at times. But I enjoyed the challenge of expanding my awareness of things. She was said to speak over 6-8 languages fluently. But I never was able to hear her speak.

The candle which burns twice as bright, burns out twice as fast.

I remember my IQ test in 6th grade. I hated math, and I bored of classwork. My Official score was 101. Who knows if this was a true measure of what lies beneath my skull. Ive been told Im far smarter then alot of people, even if I dont think I am......or I wouldnt be so miserable. Who knows...

To my friends....

Sunshine. Ignore the beautiful people, because we know that most of the time they are more insecure about themselves then the rest of us. They hide their weakness in groups, and keep it to themselves when they are alone. Lesson is break them when they have no allies.

Miss Rachael. No need to thank me for gas money. Id rather give the money then see you on the street because your roomie loses her job which pays the rent.

Berk. The passing seasons mean alot. It marks the passage of time. Makes me remember what times were like in different years, under the same sky. Its how the Ghost marks his internal chapters.

Haddy. Your neighbor may, or may not be a douchebag. But dont lose faith in yourself. Because there is worth in all of us, even though its a little hard to see at times. Thats why you have people like me to read your diary..... keeping it real. Making people giggle and laugh so milk comes out their nose.

Witchy. You dad. Your mum. They will always be with you. I dont even want to think about what will come for my family in the coming days. My brother is getting worse each passing month. My parents arent getting better either. Then my sisters will have to bury me. I dont like thinking about it. Its hurts too much.

And to the ones I havent met yet.....

Hold on....I will get there eventually. You wont regret it, I promise.