Obsessing over the little shit I try and forget the big shit which is more important. Micro drama.

Now where do I start? How about the important shit first. I wont say your name. You know who you are and this ramble is for you.

I have always been self conscious about my body. As a young boy I was skinny as hell. Ribs were the most distinguishing feature on my body. And my broad shoulders even for my age. Kind of like looking at the paws of a puppy to judge just how big it will get. At six foot one, 290lbs I think I proved the feature to be accurate. Of course once puberty hit all bets were off. I went from a rail skinny kid with a bottomless gut to a rather quickly growing man. The most growth took place when I hit the weights in high school. But I could never regain that skinny boy look I hated so much growing up. When looking in the mirror all that was seen was a skinny kid compared to my hero's who were body builders. But I ate what I wanted to eat.

This body ain't young anymore. When compared to what it once was. Im not old, old, but Im older and nowhere near as nimble of resilient as I once was. Each ache and pain.... every different symptom throwing me off balance a constant reminder Im not a kid anymore. I cant eat what I want. I cant look in the mirror because I cant stand what I see when I do. My eyes see with skewed vision. They see what they want to see, no flaw too subtle, no rough patch goes unnoticed. The light doesnt reveal anything new that the darkness conceals. I will always hate what I see. A partially successful diet two years ago brought me into one of the happiest times I can remember. A time I wasnt afraid to show myself to the world. You cant buy that kind of confidence. SInce then I have relapsed into a life of por choices, and I blame the cost of the right choices. But I too am to blame. Choices are such that we had other options there we didnt take due to laziness. I could have "chosen" to walk for a while, instead of sit and watch tv. So I blame myself.

SOmetimes the reasoning for things we do only make sense to ourselves. If we are lucky we see that they are infact unhealthy and it forces us to make the choices we know are right. To stop hiding behind the skewed vision which clouds our better judgment and leads us down the path to a better life. Its learning to take that sidestep... and repeating it until our path changes away from the very behaviors which could kill us before our times comes. Look into the eyes of those you love most, and ask yourself if they are worth living for. Preposterous as it sounds, the answer so obvious to the question it begs to ask why even pose such a question.

The solution to that problem is just as obvious, we just refuse to see it.... or.... in this case act on it. Strong is the mind, weak is the will which folds to skewed eyes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She called me "pretty" to my face and I lacked the vocabulary to respond. Beauty is only skin deep, ugliness goes right to the bone. I know you, my dear are nothing f the sort, and your beauty shines through even in words. How does such radiance get eclipsed by this cloud of deception played by your mind? It is unfair to you. It is unfair to me as well. See your worth in the eyes which look up to you everyday. They are the only mirrors you should ever rely on for the rest of your days.

After my long wait, today was my valiant return to work. Well, it wasnt totally victorious as there are still lose ends to tie up but having a possible payday in 2 weeks is a comforting thought. I got to see old faces, had some laughs and sweat ed for a while as I worked. It felt good.

One of the legion saw this face for the first time, Monday. I was nervous, anxious and partially in denial I would go through with the "coffee" meeting. All things considered you deserved a visit, as you have always been kind, and fun to talk to. I hope your visit to the cold wastelands were exciting and fulfilling. To include the smelly fat guy on the subway. Next time I am going to harpoon him to great applause and be the unsung hero of the E train to Queens. And I didnt really need that cup of coffee you diligently bought for me later that evening, but without the coffee your offer would have went unsuccessfully.