The things going on in my head shouldnt be let loose. There is depression, and anger, and shame. Ive spoken so many times about them why repeat it again.

I am working full time again. My pay was cut, hours reduced and schedule changed around a lot. Topping it off is I need money now and I only got half a paycheck. It makes me angry thinking about it after 2 months of dry spells.

Things I held so dear are slipping away. Even if they were only in my mind I am losing control of them and it scares me. Is it age? Circumstance? I am not the man I was 3 years ago. I had less money, less going for me and I was happier. What is wrong with this picture I am painting?

Lately the only thing keeping me sane is my daydreaming. It comes on like automatic pilot when Im driving, or working or sitting there staring into nothingness.

I hate being negative. Despite a jocular attitude the past week Im starting to think it was a mind trick played by my brain to protect my delicate sensitivities. Like a smokescreen. Cant deal with it if you dont see it. Like the dreaming, its there because I need it to be. Because I dont want to think about anything else which makes me sad.

Too much drama. Not enough fulfillment. Why do married people cheat? Why do dating couples cheat? Why do so many people overlook what they already have.

We finally found out what my brother has. Definitively this time.

A-1 Anti trypsin Deficiency.

Genetic only. A enzyme which is supposed to protect the lungs from disease doesnt work as designed. Failure of this enzyme can cause lung disease, or liver damage. The latter being my brothers fate. The condition is treatable, but not curable due to its genetic roots. John will need a new liver or he will die.

Some of the symptoms are similar to what I have experienced and it made me wonder if I too should be checked for this disorder which skips generations and isnt properly diagnosed for many years after the damage is done. Just like in my brothers case.

There are other symptoms I am experiencing, and have told no one about. Mainly out of fear, and shame. I hate pity. It makes me feel helpless, and worthless. But how long will I wait to see a doctor to check my health? A-1 and this new problem looming will end my diving career b4 it even begins.

Ive caught my hands trembling. Loss of grip strength. Involuntary muscle twitching in the face and body.

What do I fear? Early onset Parkinson's disease. And Im alone. I will die alone, twitching in a bed and I come to tears thinking about wasting away. Fuck.