"You've had love. You've got opportunity. You managed to go to school, become a commerical diver, something which you seem passionate about. Every time I tried to better myself, I got shot down. The persons which I fell in love with, never loved me back. I've tried to commit suicide 3 times now. The first time was pills and I didn't take enough. The second time was razors and someone found me. This last time I tried carbon monoxide, and again, someone found me. It never ends for me. And then I read you... so damn lucky I could cry, and always always always talking about what you DON'T have. But have you REALLY seen what you DO??? The honest answer is probably not... because so many don't. I didn't mean to attack you... then or now. I guess I just like you and hate to see the complaints when you're so much luckier than I am. I'm so ashamed of who I am... of the scars on my wrists and arms and heart... you're so normal and lucky next to me. If I had a fraction of what you have... bills, worry and all... I'd be happy. I'm sure I would... I know I would..."

Some things said could not be truer, or to the point. Have I loved? I'd like to think I did. Well on my part, yes...I most certainly did. It is one of those emotions where once you get a taste, you can never do without again. But on that same note it is also this emotion which can start wars, and drive the most sane person, out of their mind. That is the risks we gladly take for the ultimate prize in life.

Oppertunity it has been said is a chance moment where a door opens. This makes me look at my father. Will be 60 years old soon. I can only begin to describe him from when I can remmeber him first. Living in the basement of a house in Flushing, Queens. The most vivid memory of that time was waking up one morning to see my mommy in tears, bruises and cuts all over her face. Crying asking her what was wrong, what can little Patrick do to make it better I grabbed her leg as I was barely old enough to tie my shoes... possibly a year and a half and all she would tell me is it was alright. Daddy will be home soon.

The landlord, and his wife beat my mother at gunpoint.

Supposesedly it was over money, my parents who were actually making a decent wage back then were saving for a house. Dad was a forklift operator in Domino* Sugar in the city. His pay stubs had four figures as weekly pay, and in the 70's that was damn good money.

When dad came home, and I was ushered by mommy into my playpen so I couldnt hear my dad listend dto my mom bawl.

Understand where he came from. Born in the the South Bronx, raised in ghettos and then joining the navy when the war started. Four tours in Vietnam later he met my mom. After comforting my mom he set out to find the landlord, with his old combat knife.

I never did find out what happened after that, but my dad is my hero. Providing for a family of 6 isnt easy. He did so without complaint, making minimum wage or less all because he was "too old" for educational training. We spent a lifetime in shelters and eating donated canned food. But I had a family.

Dad has no savings, nothing to show for his years of hard work, except his children. Part of which I fight so hard to make somethign of myself, if not for me but to make him proud and possibly bring him and mom out of poverty.

Remember when I said love is the prize? That I have loved, at least on my part. it is something altogether diffrent when you love someone, and find out they have lied to you, cheated on you after saying you were the one. Is that love then? For you, it is and always will be. Having put yourself into it wholeheartedly, then seeing it was just a fantasy. Been there. Have the scars to prove it. Many people have. many people unfortunately will. It is only human nature to lie, and decieve.

Someone found you Sasha. Maybe that is one thing you have been most fortunate of all about. if someone , anyone had wanted to see you dead, you would be. Want to know where I tried to die the first time?

At the beach, right outside the nightclub I worked at was. Dec24th, 2001. I went to work as normal that day, late as all hell....but I showed up and the store i was with was a disaster, and busy. manager was bitchign at me to help customers and I was in a semi, placid state of understanding. A sad clarity, but there seemed to be light at the end of this tunnel. I said goodbye to a co worker whom I had grown to like. The only evidence of what I was about to do.

"where you going patrick, whats wrong?"

Out for a swim.

Then I left.

I cried in my car for two hours. Frozen by the cold, and staring at the bluffs seperating my view of the dark water behind it. I loved the ocean. I loved her, more than life. She betrayed me. I let myself be betrayed by trust she told me wasnt being tested. She wouldnt leave me, and he was just a friend. I believed her, until then.

I took everything off. And waded into the freezing water, walkign slowly, bawling and asking God why I had to hurt so much. It was cloudy. Almost raining, but very windy. The waves kept smashing me into shore. She didnt want me. The ocean didnt want me either.

My dear girl...

Those scars you wear say cause you shame. In the eyes of others who will,never understand you, maybe they will see it as a mental disorder. Ignorance is something I hate when it is so blind. Do you feel ashamed only because you were not successful? Personally, being found naked, drifting in the current would be a horrible vision to give my mother, who would kill herself with regret if she ever found out. That was when I knew I would be more shameful if I had succeeded. How could my mom, live nowing her baby boy couldnt come to her for help.

People do care Sasha. Some do understand. I have lost friends. Dear ones. Before miss Luci passed away last month I voewed to her when we first met, that I would gladly give my life, for hers so she could live longer. Understanding, this time was very bad for me. I meant every word. Wasted life...for one who struggled so valiantly to stay another day, it shamed me thinking I would so easily give up the only thing I had going for me. Another morning.

I cant convince you to live Sasha. That you have to do for yourself. if there is anything which keeps you breathing now what could it be? Something is....

Pills? To peaceful. And you were caught. You want to live. Even if its only one cell in your entire body which does. A memory. I wouldnt be where I am now, if I had succeeded all those years ago. Or the others since. My victories were measured in days. Mere moments of rejoicing. Some of the hardest fought victories were within me. trying to forgive myself for hating who I was, despite people telling me I was appreciated. That it wasnt my fault. None of it was.

It is a firm belief in my soul that all things which happen to us, happen becuase they were going to anyway. Chance is that thing, which is guided by the very choices we make, and those around us make. The collision at the moment oppertunity strikes can almost be calculated, but its a surprize everytime.

I also believe that every oppertunity I give myself... being alive only greatens my chances for what I really want. A family of my own. Thats my real dream. To wake up in the morning with a woman by my side. Knowing she will always be there. Children, I can watch grow, and learn from. Everything else to me is secondary. The circumstances not as important. We only need certain things to make us...."happy".

Tyhats why you bargained with yourself. "I'd be happy if". My bills, my problems and not your own. Personal torments, and demons are always relative to the owner. I hate those who get what they want even when they didnt ask for it. They probably hate not getting what they want when they demanded it. yes, ultimate suffering for the gifted.

There is no lower place one can be, then at the edge of self death.

You took the time to write to me Sasha. That is something I take seriously, and am grateful for. Your effort, your insight. When the opinion, or advice from someone is taken in and made part of the self, there is importance to it. Significance. Thank you.

All I can offer in return, is letting you know....I am here. You will not be forgotten, or ignored here. I carry the memories of many in my breast, and there is always room for another. I would consider myself greatful to know you. SOme of the best people have revealed themselves to me by sheer chance. if anything ive learned to grab on tight, and hold on.