Or yesterday.

As I said to msbormann, "I feel like a piece of shit".

Rather hard to explain, or express where the term "shit" came into play. Some of the changes I have been expeiencing over the past few years have changed me. More emotionally than in thinking logically. They have made me act in ways I wouldnt have normally done, years past.

Asshole, comes to mind. I recently compared my heart to the stones in a far away dungeon.

Ive lost a part of my humanity I think. Carried the bitterness I felt towards others and myself to new levels without realizing it. Alienating anyone who cares for me, I wont even hug my family anymore because it feels fake. How sick and twisted is that, hugging my own mother feels fake to me.

Searching and wanting so much, I am almost incapable of physical affection because Ive not had it. Not as in never, but in such small doses it only gets diluted and washed away by time. Most of the kind words I speak only get laid out here, never to be repeated. So who really cares? I apparently dont, just by the way I have been acting.

There is no justifyable excuse.

I talm so much of being better than others, and somehow I let slip in the very poison which I have countless other times from other people. So I feel somewhat ashamed, and at a loss for words about it. I know better, and the worst of it is....I dont feel anything but shame, and anger.

Notice, remorse wasnt in there.

Sad state of affairs when I have lost compassion. That outward flow of emotion which bathes others in warmth, is no where to be found. Is jaded a good word?

There are too many loose ends in my life. Mainly my personal life. Which by all acoounts really doesnt amount to much. I havent left the house in 4 days. I barely eat, and Im glued to the computer. My only interactions are through a keyboard, and a mouse. Feeling things for people I might never meet.

When enough time passes, and nothing is left to take the place of the hole left behind by losing someone dear you knew in a relationship....what fills it?