Made the excuses, and shifted blame to something else but mankind, or if you are anal....human beings. We set the bull free in the china shop and not expect things to not get broken? We just couldnt leave well enough alone, we just had to fuck everything up. How many times have you heard of "innocent" bystanders being hurt or killed in a gunfight? They just had to stick around and see what was going on. How many times have you sat in traffic because everyone just had to get a glimpse of some poor bastard who was killed so they have something to gossip about at the dinner table. We have created every bit of drama we have ever faced as a species. It has been brought on the whole world to suit the needs of everyday rubberneckers, and those who just cant seem to take care of themselves or watch where they are looking. Its always someone elses fault.

We, as a species are good at that. Shifting the blame. Never taking repsonsibility for what we do, or who we hurt in the process. As a whole that is. Because we also know as human beings we are of like mind. Peer pressure. They do it, why cant I? Gimme, gimme. When somehting is taken, there will always be repurcussions to follow. Someone is always more than willing to cheat someone else to gain and never to repay. Even if it wasnt theirs to take. The Native americans had it right. Live with the land.

Somedays....it sickens me to be a member of society.

I was also fortuneate enough to meet some stupid people today. Two nurses at a walk in clinic. It was a attempt to get the physical redone faster than waiting on my fucking doctor. But to my surprize, they were far less accomidating than she is. More accurately they took the exact same position she did and seem to be stonewalling me.

"no, it says you need ALL these tests, no matter what the school says."

I dont know who to be mad at, the fucking school for wording the damn form so....

.....or the morons who read the form and cant seem to read between the lines.

I swear.... the majority of the educated masses out there dont seem to have a shred of common sense. The fucking nurses kept repeating themselves like I was some sort of child, or invalid waiting to get his diaper changed. They didnt listen to me, they only knew how to repeat the same things over, and over, and over. They must really believe I am stupid. Or that it is just I am loike every other brain dead idiot who walks through the door and doesnt even have a pen.

Ladies and gentleman....I come fully loaded.

My cosigner came through for me. Signed all the lines he needed to sign. Gave photocopies of his pay stub/license and I did the same. I was going to wait to fax it over to the school when I had the form signed from the doctor too to make it all official. But now the form is proving harder than the financial aid was. But I am closer now than I was any time prior to this. Frustrating isnt a strong enough word. Either I am being tested to see if I really want it, or I am getting the message it wasnt meant to be. Too bad I am stubborn and refuse to quit so easily.

Once again I am forced to revisit an old anecdote. A thought if you will, written long ago in this very diary. A comparison of my mind, and a still pond. On the surface you see very little, but underneath there is alot going on. Everything is happening autonomously, without regard for what is actually going on. Thoughts bumping into one another, changing the other thought to something else. It is a clusterfuck in my head.

The prilosec seems to be doing the trick. I take it "religiously" every morning with water, and I seem to be fending off the pain. Which is one less headache to worry about.

No one likes to feel out of control of their lives.

Feeling like you are forced to wait it out, and cant see whats going to happen. Is it because I really didnt have a plan to fall back on? My lack of organization will make me fail...? Its like showing up to the first day of a new job with barely the basics in hand, and you are caught being stared at by everyone. You stick out, because you just dont seem to belong there.

So dream as I may, there isnt much I can do at the moment. Technically I should be packing, but I am not. I blame depression, and thats my excuse, or scapegoat for not getting it done. I tripped over myself and I am not taking the hit for that one. Besides...