I put my foot in My mouth figuratively today. Someone made me feel regret for sharing information with them. What made it worse was they rubbed it in, often and heavily the rest of the day.

My head hurts.

How quickly one of My older co workers, can make me feel naked, guilty, ashamed, nervous and all sorts of bad things by pushing an issue which I find to be on the sensitive side. Namely, My relationship with someone.

I absolutely hate questioning my status or more accurately where I stand with people. It brings up alot of doubts, and questions which I let slide past because I felt confident enoiugh to not go there. Some things shouldnt be questioned. Made to seem like I took them for granted, instead of people seeing I simply had trust in that particular facet of My life. Shit, Im sounding like I have to justify all this shit all over again...

In My past there have been personal issues with My insecurities when love is concerned. How I used to feel inadequate, or undeserving. Most of those have gone bye bye and I no longer feel that way. At least not in face to face discussion. One word I am known to use quite often is "speculation". Like openly debating what something actually means. Most of the time its someones opinion of what should be, but I of course have diffrent views altogether. This driver I was with took what I said, and made me sound.....how do I say this accurately...

Maybe I should rehash this whole thing first, before I confuse myself again.

I have known this person for some time now. We met, and were introduced by sheer chance. A friend of hers (a male friend) found this little diary here. He read it, and told her she might want to read it too. When I first heard this I was intrigud why a guy, would tell a girl to read anyones journal. But she did. For months she read, and eventually got the courage to message me.

If you are reading this, I am sorry if it embarrasses you.

She was very sweet. Innocent like. In a way I never thought a girl could actually be. She viewed things like I do. Almost from the view of a mature child. Openminded, and full of questions. It was flattering that she felt inadquate talking to me, not wanting to sound stupid, or foolish. (ironic how we all feel this at some point, but still remarkable) She didnt say much. But I did feel she was somehow interested in talking to me, about nothing much in particular. Small talk. Likes, dislikes, giggling at the responses. It was refreshing.

A little less than two years ago ( I know I mentioned this but here it is again) we were having a talk about how I used to have a comfort item when I was really little. A red velvet pillow. Which was "lost" when I was growing up. Who the hell knows what really happened to it. But anyway, she thought it was cute, and I dropped it.

That holiday she wanted to send me a present. I dont want people feeling obligated to send me anything short of a email card but she persisted and I informed her she wasnt to spend alot of money. One gift became a gift box full of things. She really got carried away but I was still touched she thought of me. She was really nervous, and explained quite clearly that if I didnt like the gift I could send it back. Hidden amoung imported chocolates, little gifts there was a handmade, down stuffed velvet pillow. To this day I cant express how sweet a gesture that was. And its just one of many reasons I am taken with this girl.

Fast forward.

It is more than a year since then. Much has happened, and much has been said. Moreso alot of personal things have been shared, exchanged and brought to the surface. This shy, playful, and beautiful creature has stolen this brutes heart. Somedays I try to convince Myself Im not, but I know I am. And it gets stronger each time I talk to her.

We have all been there. Waiting for the phone to ring. An email. A text message, and when one does come and somehting sweet is there, we silently rejoice inside. Mushy yes. Sentimental yes. But I dont care.

Everyone I speak to about how sweet she is, what she means to me......they all ask the same question.

"so, when are you moving?"

No shit. But lately this statement has made me feel guilty. Ashamed. Explaining why is difficult.

She is special. Part of me knows she cares for me. But then there is a part of me which questions if she does, enough to want me as much as I do her. This of course is an unfair question to ask. Do not think she is playing with me because so much tells me she could never do so. There isnt a vengeful or malicious bone in her body. So I am left asking myself silently, why dont I have an answer to that question everyone asks?

I dont want to push her. Make her promise anymore than she is already willing to give me. So many times in the past Ive jumped maybe too quickly into a relationship to get burned by the girl in the end. I dont want to appear to be too anxious. The teen on prom night. (which I went to alone mind you) Good things come to those who wait right? Right???

I hate waiting sometimes. Like Im missing out on more of a good thing. But I force Myself to keep the quiet, reserved stance. Which is torturous.

Questions with no real answers....

Am I wasting her time trying? Do I have a right to be jealous of her male friends, or any who pay her attention? Do I even have a right to assume she wants to be with me?

I cant jump to conclusions, which is a problem I always had and that got me into trouble. Jumping the gun, reacting first to suspicions when they were unfounded in the end. But it is so hard so far away.

Do I feel worthy? I know I deserve someone special. Now I do.

This is the kind of girl who gets propositioned on a daily basis in public. Sometimes almost bordering on sexual harrassment. Fathgers with kids in tow, asking her for a good time. Guys whipping out the love sausage looking to impress her into sex. Even guy friends, coming to her with a ring, and getting on one knee. No shit.

She almost said yes to the last one because she didnt want to hurt him. That bothered me alot that she was almost guilted into marraige she didnt want because the guy wanted it, and she didnt. She even said she felt it might be her only shot at getting married. Holy shit. That floored me that such a wonderful, carinf, and generous person could ever feel that way. The attention she gets alone should have made that a incredulous statement.

I want her. For myself. For what its worth, and for as long as she would tolerate me.

Pretty bold words for a guy who hasnt even gotten to hug her yet. But dont let that fool you into thinking I dont ask her if I have to hurt any male suitors on a regular basis. That in My head she is "hands off" lest I feel obliged to commit acts of violence on another person.

Jealousy, Im afraid is one of My weak points.

The brightly colored cloth flower was for her. Because I know she loves things like that. She of all people would appreciate it. And the 20 cans of playdoh I bought her too.

Is it right to feel lost without someone close to you? Dont you ever feel out of control, and it makes you things are worse than they need to be?

I cant force her, like everyone else tries to force her. But if i do this will she think me weak?

I was supposed to have gone to see her twice already. Either illness, or poor scheduling canceled that. Part of me is beginning to think she is apprehensive, and I wil be forced to take her by force. Willing, but unsure of what she wants, I will be forced into showing her what a man can do, and be for a woman.

But rememeber this:

Love means not calling the police afterward.

I was making a pickup in a Modells Sporting goods store today. After entering the cash office the bookeeper paged the manager to come but forgot to hang up the intercom afterward. Lets just say the following dialogue was heard over the entire store.

*reading a calander with an old woman saying in a cartoon bubble ("there is nothing wrong with my body that a full body stocking wont fix")*

"ewww, thats disgusting"

She giggles saying its cute though.

"not something I needed to see, or visualize"

More talk follows and a loud knock is heard at the door. Another girl tells her to hang up the intercom.