Loving from afar. Maybe even having a working relationship with someone, standing next to them but stilllll miles apart. So far away unable to touch, or to feel. I invision Myself, eyes red and glistened over thinking about it. The irrational action, and the tears. What the fuck. I suppose I will need to explain.

Picture your workplace.

No gagging please.

There is someone there you have sort of developed feelings for, for whatever reasons as they are unimportant. There are no promises there, no detailed markings of a solid intimate pairing. And ffor some reason another person steps in between while you are dreaming of this personp a meaningless conversation.

This is where the irrationality comes in, especially for me. I dont have much experience in these matters. There were no social gatherings for me to be invited to, so this is seen as just another "Patrick is pushed to the side" and I take it as a rejection even though most people prolly wouldnt, or would tell this clown to go away. But in My thinking, I have no right to. How do I know they dont have a deeper relationship than conversation? Is it My place to step up and get aggressive for little reason than I feel emotionally threatened for someone who really isnt even Mine. And if I had the courage to do so....would it appear I was overly controlling, desperate....weak. Like the boyfriend who is stereotyped as the man who hates all the girlfriends male friends. Where does one draw the line, admitting feelings to someone who might not even share those same thoughts, it would be very awkward. And embarrassing. For as much as I have been put down growing up, rejection still to this day isnt a easy thing to deal with. Being the target of the popular kids in public, that I believe is a more open version of rejection of "you dont belong here". Not the same as "I dont want you" rejection. Am I just predispositioned, conditioned to step aside because of My past? Is this why I fail to make Myself availible, or attractive to people because I already feel I have failed?

I would hate adimitting I already know the answer to those questions.

Mainly because I ask alot of redundant questions I already have answers for. Positive reinforcement was lacking back then.

This all goes against My deep feelings for chivalry, and fairness. Might doesnt always make right. I cant just snap the neck of any man who openly, and rudely tries to court the femme I am currently engaged in a conversation with. He either has balls, or doesnt give a fuck about anyone else but himself.

Most people would see it as some sort of challenge, I couldnt possibly meet with his good looks, or his choice in shoes. Or the fast car he drieves to piss everyone off. The invisible daggers i send into his skull are of no comfort either.

This has been a hard lesson to learn. One I know I will never learn alone. So to My "adoring legions".....

o_o

Where am I going wrong...What am I doing that I should...

All My problems or shortcomings are of course in My head but they are bound by a strict set of guidlines I came up with to keep Me from becoming the type of person I hate in everyone else I have seen. Compromising ones sense of morals would be worse than getting the girl I think. Yes.

So I force Myself, to sit afar and stare in wonder. The one in the back of the room, in the dark watching quietly. That is the Ghost. He will not make a move, or say a thing. He will simply watch and dream longingly of you staring into his eyes with a smile.

This is also why I am so unhappy. Damned if I do, damned if I dont. Damned either way it seems.