Todays events actually went in My favor. Sort of. I made a series of phone calls this morning while on the truck. I called in the hopes I could move My doctors appointment from Dec 29th, to one sooner if someone canceled. I was lucky. Really lucky. I will be seen tomorrow at 1:30. Although this schedule change was a good thing, it complicated My work schedule, and My availibility for work.. A compromise was made where I will get My physical completed and go in later on to pull the coin orders for the next day, and to "tanker" the currency deposits for delivery to the main vaults of branch banks. My repair work for the car is supposed to be done on Friday. Upon coming home I also recieved My final promissory note forms to sign and I will be all set for school. Sounds simple but it felt like I gave birth to a guidance counselor.

When someone asks to curl up on My lap, I know something is wrong.

I went to a restaurant for dinner on a spur of the moment whim, as I was used to picking them up on one of the routes early in the morning. Smokey Bones. They slow roast the meats for over 12 hours while smoking them. The meat is so tender you can mash it with your tongue. And My sample tonight was no dissapointment. It was awesome, as was the service.

I dont like feeling as if I didnt make the grade. I sort of take that kind of thing very personally. It sends My mind into overdrive, and I believed, or so I thought I tried to be pleasant. Maybe it was fatigue. Or some other deeply hidden shortcircuit.

Its difficult to stay awake. Wether its the season, or the cold I am very sleepy. It could be those delectable ribs I sucked clean, or the prok so tender I could eat the whole pig if it were there. or I am just off chemically. EVer since I swore off caffiene I have been more tired than ever. But I wont go back to it just to feel more awake. DOesnt mean I couldnt do with more excersise. The layer of fat on My body will hate it, but it needs to go.

Its not My fault I dont kjnow how to act. To realize someone is being friendly. Im wound so tight most times I let it pass me by. Im not receptive to such things.....because I dont know what it feels like to be admired. In person. People always wore masks in front of me, with balnk stares. Even when I knew they didnt want me around they pretended not to care, until they got up and went away. Which reminds me of a memory from long ago.

It was 5th grade. Music class.

I had just moved into the neighborhood a year prior. Before that it had been a year or so of one motel after another. They were used as temporary shelters for homeless families courtesy of the welfare dept. Vouchers used at local grocery stores bought milk, and bread and peanutbutter. No tv. Curfews and we couldnt have visitors. Not that anyone in My extended family would come visit the homeless kin they were ashamed of.

At this time in My life I was very confused, very antisocial, and very quiet. And very depressed. It was easier to be sad, then to pretend being happy. I would slash objects with sharp implements of My pain. A pain I hid from family, about the teasing, the name calling and the cold glances.

Today wasnt unlike any before it. I was used to wearing some of the same clothes I had. Sweats, and tshirt. Class has just begun. The public taunting began. The whispers. I had enough.

I exploded in the class. Screaming amid tears of how unfair My life was. How horrible it is to tease the poor kid. I had nothing, they had everything and they took what little sanity I had away each day by making me feel less than a real person. In those moments I wanted all of them to die. I hated all of them. Even the ones who didnt stand up for me.

The teacher I believe tried to talk to them because she escourted me from the classs to talk to them while I was out of range. They pretended to get along with me for a little while after that. But soon after I was the enemy again. I never fit in. And I never forgot what they did. What they all did.

I dont take compliments well. I dont beleive people when they think Im neato. There is nothing anyone can do to change that. All I ask is dont hold those shortcomings against me please. I dont need any more negative thoughts than I already lay on Myself.