I have My moments. Times when Im down, looking up from the hole. Or when I see all from the dizzying heights of euphoria. Sitting in between those two points sort of makes ordinary days seem boring. This is one of those days. Tradgedy, shouldnt equate to excitement, or good times.....it just is an extreme and worthy of mention.

I have dined on fish, and blueberries and I feel good. Not exactly food fit for royalty, but on payday, anything is better than scraps.

I am happy for miss krystal. She is finally going to be free from her cage...

I should be outside in the sunlight. Im here, typing this. I could be going out, clubbing, or calling people to go out. But still I sit here, with headphones on dreaming about what it would be like to do those things.

Old habits, do indeed die hard. Some not at all.

Is it patience, My waiting for something to happen. Some say patience is the trait of the wise, the learned. They expect things to happen, and wait for them. I dont feel wise. I dont feel I have learned enough. Or I wouldnt look at the world with the wonder of a childs innocence and wonder what it is like to do things. To want and to have are two diffrent things. I cannot create circumstances, or win the accolades of the popular ones who have guilded gates open for them. I am merely a spectator.

I dont regret all of that, wallflower that I was it saved me from making more of the more embarrassing mistakes the group mentality commanded. Monkey did see, and didnt do.

I need a new job.

or a higher paying one. I am getting no where fast, I mean I make money, at the expense of lost time, and I should be earning more than I do. A common gripe with many who work blue collar jobs, but college isnt a answer for me with no money to pay for it, and debt already high. Loans are out of the question. I dont like being backed into a corner like that. No way out. There has to be a solution.

My diet, which has gone through changes I have managed to lose a few pounds thus far. At least I know it is working again, and positive changes are always welcome arent they....

My new slantboard i bought over the holidays is still in its box, and needing to be put together. When I finish, or get far enough along in cleaning it will get a home near where I sleep.

The wrist, is touch, and go....

And My dreams at night are getting wierder. Hard to describe and I dont really know where to begin telling about them.

I feel really old when I see groups of people milling around doing nothing productive, and wearing preppy tshirts, and hats in various ways. Sort of like a herd of animals. Is that what "hanging out" means now? Perhaps I was born too soon, or too late. 20 years one way, hundreds the other. Not fitting in either way it seems.

And before i get ridiculed, Im not feeling totally negative. But often what I say has people wondering why I am whining all the time. I simply question the reality I see all the time. Asking the very questions I sometimes already know the answers for, but deny as truth anyway. Redundant questions are a trademark.

I am no monster.

Im not the epitome of evil.

Im not the ugliest guy in the world.

But I could have been....