I didnt sleep well last night. My mind wasnt tired, and I lay sweating delving into the mystery that is mortality. Basically death.

Dont really know why I did this. But I know I was really scared, really depressed, and really insightful. The complete lack of faith in a heaven or hell I think makes it even scarier. being dead isnt a new journey to a better place, its just an end. I hate endings.

My head made it sound more foreboding, and cold than I can here. The eloquence wqas lost working today, and I forgot what I needed to say.

Im far too cerebral for My own good most times. I think too much and what I revealed to Myself is usually lost due to the unending train of thought i go through. I really can cover alot of topics, just by starting on a simple subject. I even go as far as to explain why I said what i did and how they are related, becuase everything is dependant on everything else. As if anyone couldnt figure that out themselves. I am full of redundant truths.

Im really tired, but a cool front came trough today and cooled everythin goff and Im going to sleep like I could be dead.

Despite all the depression Ive had, I am finally realizing what a waste suicide can be. There is nothing which can replace the miracle I was given when I was born. Life, is a gift few appreciate, and now when I feel ultimately shitty.....I remember what a miniscule chance I have to make the most of this life. For better or worse. We sometimes forget we only get one shot at this. Can some things be so unbearable, to make us want to end it all? I already know thats a yes. Recurring nightmares about such a topic proves its true, but I am still grateful. Ive made a solemn promise to Myself to live as best I can, within My means and learn all I can. So no metter the circumstances, I will maintain an even strain as a friend named Kurtz used to say. Better to suffer in life, than rot in the ground.

I may not like those reminders that I have issues, but its My problem to deal with them. You can bet I'll procrastinate on that too.