The jokes were simple, shadowey, and outrageously fruity in nature. But I wasnt in such a slump as the past few days. Thus concludes the cuddly goodness of this entry.

Everything is so fucking surreal lately. As if Im watching everything unfold in slow motion, pretending I know what is coming next because sometimes life has a natural rythem. Patternized after the daily rituals of the ants walking the streets doing what they do best..... going through the motions.

Sometimes I catch Myself gazing off into the distance, using my peripheral vision to take everyhting in at once. Immersing myself in the flow of things. SOrt of like how a raft feels in the middle of the ocean during a fierce storm. It can only look out and experience the sights, sounds and smells of the part of the universe around them.

I look down, My boots. Wiggling my toes I look up at my duty belt, then the holster. I put my hand on the grip, and feel it fill My hand. Turning my head I look back to see cars lined up behind us at a light. To My right is a girl in her car, talking on a phone, eating and smoking a cigarette at the same time. Oblivious to her surroundings. And me eyeballing her chest. The cigarette ruined it. Light turns green and away we go.

I only break from this trance when Im out of the truck. When I need to be alert.

I have had plenty to think about today, yesterday and from the weekend. I will admit I felt a little better after this morning, but far from feeling good. That will have to be worked on, in time.

I also noticed, or more importantly admitted to myself that when given an idea, or scenario out of the blue I automatically live out a mini fantasy about that very thing. Even commercials. Maybe I have ADD. Who knows.

Still floating listlessly in my own world. No land in sight. Maybe I need to sink to find land. If I drown, least I would have found land.

A phonecall which wakes the whole house 30 minutes before My alarm clock was to go off.

"*sigh* you're not a joke, you do matter"

I have waited My entire life to see someone prove that.

I am still waiting.

As much as I joke around. I take alot of things very seriously. Some would say too seriously. Saying things which people see as over the top. Anger me, I want to snap your spine like a sapling. Little too much? Sounds good "at the time". And when in a mood I dont like critics. You dont know me, my past or my problems. The best thing to do is smile, and ignore me.

Confidence is atrractive....

I think there is a diffrence between pride, and confidence. Boasting is childish, and selfish. Knowing you can do somehting is confidence. You show off your Lexus, your credit cards, and your dentist whitened teeth. Rub it in My face, thinking you are the better man....

I break your legs.

I knew I could. Thats confidence. Pride doesnt match confidence. He might have been cuter, more attractive.....and chances are he will get pity sex as I am seen as the agressor. But I still proved my point.

When I say I dont deserve something, its usually because I believe I dont have what it takes to bring something of value to the table. Humility isnt a crime. Yeah, I insult myself. I cannot help it. If it keeps me single, maybe there was a reason. Never said I could win a popularity contest.

Accepting who we are, for what we are shouldnt be a crime. I dont look how I do in My dreams. Prolly never will. But dont think Im weak for it....

I am stronger than you think.

Just dont poke fun at my belly.

Or my caboose.

Or.....