My stomach woke me up because it was knawing at my other organs. And, I had alot on My mind...

I was having a dream. A emotionally moving, albeit troubling dream. Which when that happens there is only one thing I can do.....write.

People ask me why I write sometimes, where the words come from. I write when the mood strikes me. Tonight, it left bruises.

How I went to bed troubled Me. I was in alot of pain, feeling sick and cold. A dear friend was more than likely joking with me, but I took it badly anyway. I left rather suddenly, and Im sure it might have burned a few feelings along the way. But I was being selfish, and I am sorry to say I acted selfishly.

My dream focused on My life. It went sort of like one of those video submissions people send in to TV shows looking for help. This dream it was to be "Oprah". o_o My mom watches it religiously, and occasionally I watch too. Well anyways, I put My deepest thoughts to verse and spilled My history as to why I failed as a man. Financially, and My worries as I grow older for My fmaily, and Myself.

How many people want to be rich? How many ask for help to get a "makeover"? I want a do over...

To be zero. I dont want to be rich. Thats what started My waking dream. My lucid fantasy of speaking My mind, to the world.

Looking back on the things I said, the truths I tried to explain in My own words I realized how incredibly ironic some of it was. How unbelievable it can sound to people who dont know what its like. How surreal it feels reliving those very memories which are burned into My soul. But I didnt ask for pity, or help for myself. I asked on behalf of My parents. Who to this day care for me, by letting me sleep in their home, but how I will be unable to care for them. I cant even privide a life for Myself.....

You are never too old to make the same mistake twice....

I talked about everything. Realisitcally speaking no one would ever make me a guest on any show, let alone talk about My entire life to a audience who could care less. But still My story, compells me to write sometimes. To explain the human equation as it plays in My head. I write when I have no choice but to express all the things clouding My mind. Its how I find peace, to sleep again. Sometimes its the only vent I have. Because pent up emotions have no where to go when you keep them inside, and that can only lead to problems later on.

Anyways, Oprah was kind enough to listen. I was unfortunate enough to cry and make a spectacle of Myself on national TV like a wuss.....and I woke up before I could finish My dream. After a while it got too long winded. I needed to say too much and I couldnt believe it anymore. A simple cry for help became the "Tale of two cities" the GOG version. Never ask for my two cents because you just might get the whole dollar.

I am bitter, but I am equally grateful and humbled to be alive.

Without life there is no memory. With no memory there can be no experience, no history. Life is a miracle in and of itself. Few get the oppertunity to struggle(and I mean struggle) to take it a day at a time. I have seen people come and go, times change and things get hard. But things can always be worse. Circumstances more dire and unbearable. I am alive. I have all My faculties. A family. Despite the crap I get myself into, I have more oppertunities than I realize at times. Things I will have the chance to do, should I live long enough. A family. A better job. Children to watch grow up. At 30, I feel old, but only compared to the child I used to be. It takes some getting used to but I am capable of thinking as an adult and realize there is a long way to go before life is done with me. And I am looking forward to experiencing all I can. Because the fun stops when you stop.

There is a humble beauty in bearing ones soul. Like the tattoos I wear some scars tell a story. Sometimes a painful one but still worth telling, and listening to. It is those stories which will fill the void people have when they ask a question which they thought had no answer. Without getting too philosophical, I will spare you all the details about our little place in the universe.