I had alot of perverted dreams while i worked today. The need to jerk off is high, and I have to find a roll of Bounty or the walls will have a fresh coat of spackle.

I went shopping for small things tonight. A DVD, some num-nums.....

My day basically was boring othersie.

During My bouts of perversion today I kept thinking how hard it would be to get random girls to subject themselves to some recreational use of anatomical bodyparts in alphabetical order. Dont ask for details.

Im sexually frustrated. I need to get laid in the worst way. I know, most guys would simply go out and "score" but remember I never did those things growing up. They are alien to me and I would feel out of place even trying to troll for girls. Which brings Me to a flashback today of My partner looking nover some young girls coming out of a store. They must of been 17, or 18 years old. Quite attractive and I felt even if I was their age. They were out of My league.

He couldnt understand why I said that. How many times must I divulge the black abyss of loneliness which was My life. I didnt date in school. I was always the target of ridicule, and sarcasm by my peers. Girls would sneer, make comments, and laugh in My direction. Why would I want to try and be closer to people who obviously hated me? That being the case its no wonder I dont do those things today. If I go to a bar, its for a drink, not to hook up. I dont go dancing, primarily because I dont know how.

For all the things I know, the things I dont know are millions of times larger a list to comprehend.

Many readers of this little diary have commented on My ability to know what goes on in the head of people. I can do this because I spent a lifetime studying people from the outside. An observer. I never participated. Some things I have zero practical application in. Dates are one of them. So in social situations I merely revert to an old defense and act silly. The same behavior which protected me growing up now appears to make people take notice. almost no one makes fun of me anymore. I think its largely part to that Im much bigger than they are, and they fear being skewered with a blunt object.

I want, I need, I cant have. Mantras I tell Myself. COnflicting, confusing, and unending.

I dont let drama rule My life. I have eliminated shame on My actions. I dont care what people think now. I say what i want, and do what I want.

But I will always be a student of what I thought I learned growing up.

it will take some special people to change all that.

Might be why I dont take complimenhts well either.

Ok, now I have to pee........and spackle the wall.