We all work long hours, lay through sleepless nights and wake to frigid mornings as we are forced to get out of oh, so warm covers we would rather die in than escape from. Only to dream about getting our measly paycheck and smiling at the reprieve. A reprive which we all know lasts mere moments as reality sets in and we realize all that glorious hard earned cash is already spoken for. Spent. And once again we are broke.

I am expecting a call from the lawyers office about My past due medical bill from this past December. The one where I nearly died from fever. *ca-ching* $$$

Car Payment *ca-ching* $$$

Last payment on a overdue layaway purchase *ca-ching* $$$

Ammo and supplies so I could qualify today at the shooting range *ca-ching* $$$

Which by the way I succeeded at. Perfect score. Despite the magazines causing alot of problems. I still managed to pull a perfect score of 250 pts. Passing is 175. Our instructor said after we finished he expected nothing less than perfect as I am a instructor as well. Whew. least he didnt say that BEFORE we started. I didnt need the added pressure AND bad equipment. Which reminds Me....

Order 3 brand new magazines for said .45 auto...... $50.00 X 3 = too much....

It is something I will need when My certificate comes through. I cant carry a weapon which malfunctions, or it could be My life.

Money is already gone......and I know I said all that already but Im having a pity moment....

Tomorrow is the NYPD exam. I am nervous. I havent studied. I will get lost getting to the location. I dont know what the hell Im doing....

Its fucking bone chilling cold. It hurts My fingers to type they are so cold.

The instuctor we had mentioned to me about becoming a assistant instructor at the facility. As he is in charge of training all CDC guards and he has to travel between NYC, Conneticut, NJ and our unit he likes the idea of someone he knows can keep and eye on matters locally. Many people have mentioned it and I admit to being interested. Then he had to go and mention there is money in it as well......

Fuck, now I have to try out for it...

It isnt greed. I just need to shut up the creditors....since murder is still illegal.

So much going on. So many things to confuse the little mind. Some days I wish I could just slide into My hole and watch people slip and fall.

Im running out of clean clothes. Partly My fault as work keeps me either busy, or too tired to drag ass to the laundromat. When My clothing starts to walk on its own then I will break down. Till then its business as usual.

Yes.....I know...