Why....

Why, why, why.....

You know.....like the air is sucked right out of your lungs.....and the ribs seperated so the bones pop as each connection is torn apart.

Then the pain....

There are some things I will never understand.

There will be things I will never be able to see through....

Ive quit trying to understand the futility in arguing the fairness in life. I know it will never be fair in the sense things are aligned to benifit the ones concerned. That will prove to be a fruitless venture.....hoping for that.

Despite a truckload of shitty dreams....and broken promises Im going to hang around.

Even when Im just a passenger.....the trips My mind takes keep me facinated. Its the same as I dont know why I tease Myself with visions of sweet nothings.....Ive been exceptionally hard these past few days. My usual emotional rollercoaster of thoughts.

I can hypnotize Myself without even thinking about it sometimes. My dreams are so vivid, and real to Me sometimes I can even catch Myself mouthing words Im speaking, or muscles will twitch in response to something Im doing in My mind. In doing so, My dreams are more than I could ever hope to have in real life. Its no wonder real life is such a letdown most of ther time. Nothing compares to the vison of expectation, and perfection in the mind.

How some people can be so happy. So naive and oblivious to the nature of the life they lead. it too, boggles the mind.

I wonder what its like to be a unfeeling, heartless person. Feeling nothing, caring about nothing. The complet opposite of Me.

On another parrallel I see people covered in distress, and misfortune and they have a more solid "reasonable" grip on reality. I want to enjoy life with the same abandon they do. I wont name names.....but when someone knows they need to life each day as if it was their last.....like i did when I wanted to die those times.....life is simpler. More tangible and accomodating. there is no rushing. No responsibilities. The air is fresher, cleaner....and the sneses alive with understanding.

I want life to be simple again. I want to enjoy it again. Sometimes i simply forgot how.....

Or more importantly.....why.