"I failed" moments. And My head is killing Me.

Through no fault or reason I cant push the lingering doubts away. Knowing maybe I could do more, be more or provide more than I have in the past.

There have been many roadblocks in My past. Persecuted for being who I have only begun to accept Myself to be. Having spoken of My history before, knowing I was forged in the fires of My own hell I still think back and wonder what i would have been like if circumstances hadnt turned out the way they did. If oppertunities had been granted instead of taken away. I dont blame My parents for it. And I shouldnt blame Myself either. Some things just happen, and all we can do is deal with them as best we can. That is the nature of fate, and destiny. Doing what we feel is right.

Alot of past fears are relived when I close My eyes and dream. Dream of things I want to do, see Myself doing and the rewards it may bring. But I always remember those dreams can fail. Worst case scenarios can and do happen. Is that wrong? To kill a dream before it could possibly fail? Is it being realistic? Pessimistic? Down to earth? Or is it possibly a weakness for which there is no name. I really dont know. But I wish I did.

The changes Im making in this day, this minute are good changes. Trying to distance Myself from the pain I have endured these past years, and attempting to give a fresh start to a better, not brighter tomorrow. If I try and fail, I will do so without regret. I may not be happy with the outcome, but I will be satisfied I was the one who made the attempt. There is honor in falling from the sky when your wings have been broken. Regardless of how hard the landing. My scars mean something to me.

For all the seperation, solitude, and anxiety I put Myself through I still have love in Me. At times its a unreasonable love. Making Me stay loayl to those who dont deserve it. Scaring the ones away who do. This has been a all too frequent "coincidence" in past years. Experience Im hoping will change My fortunes.

Im not going to rush headfirst into anything. I am content to sit by and let others make the foolish mistakes. Conservative thinking has its advantages. But where others discover rewards for taking chances, Im rewarded with peace of mind. My moral compass leads the ay down the path with the most to gain. I dont seek riches, but if it happens, it does. I have been looking into My future. I see a man who independantly stares down the masses of society. I will be wearing a uniform of My own design. Jaw firm and set. Eyes unblinking into the gaze of the many. I will walk through them as they watch Me. And I will leave them as I found them. But I will make them ask questions. And wonder.....who was that....

A figment of your imagination.....that is all you should ever know.