Im sitting here, going through old mail, letters and things. Then I log into old email accounts and read old messages from people no longer in My life. All the letters were from those who vanished by their own will, never to be heard from again. I had forgotten how much it hurt to not have them with Me now. Day to day life helped me forget for a time, but not forever.

Is it wrong to shed tears for people long gone but not dead?

Bitter pain pokes me in the chest tonight. Regret and unresolved feelings still reaching Me from lost passages of the brain. Friends, loves. I care more for them then I do most of My family. I had more in common with them personality wise, and thinking wise than genes would allow. So tragic as their departure was so long ago, is how painful it is to remember them tonight.

its like being reminded of past mistakes you were punished for, but were never guilty of. And I hate not knowing. Where are they, how are they. Im still broken inside without them. They are the parts of me which keep me living in the past instead of looking to the future more than I am. Why I cant trust as I once did. Why I cant cope as I once did when times were hard. I think there was supposed to be a lesson in all of this, but I missed it. So I relive those times again, and they hurt Me. And I dont know what to do about it.

I just cant reach out to touch them. There might never be a resolvement to those past relationships. So Im stuck wondering what Im going to do about them, now that Im the only one reliving the past.