Last night sucked......bad. Not only was it dead most of the night, the new owner was there and made all of us uncomfortable. His wanting to be there was more than understandable, but....

As I forsaw in a vision .....(sounded mystical right? Im a moron) he was to be a micromanager type. Last night was his official last day of active duty, and having finished out his terminal leave retired from over 20 yrs service in the navy. Ok, career navy man with no family buys a bar. he is used to being in charge, and observing everything. Wih all this in mind I knew he would be like the great overseer poking his nose into every cranny. It was unnerving and fucked with the whole vibe the bar had when I first arrived. Call it Feng Sui, karma, cooties, or intestinal gas this man single handedly threw off an entire nights good feelings by just sitting there and we were guessing what he wanted us to do for him. He had never owned a business, or a bar so we didnt know his expectations. Its like trying to please the king of France or lose your head. In this case your job.

I didnt make half of what I made last week. And Im feeling it now, and I cant pay some bills. Insurance mainly. I cant lose My insurance, I cant.

And....I come home from this night, and there is a yellow envelope sitting on My laptop. No return address, three stamps.

Two bead red eyes. Foam teeth, and was obviously made of sweat pants material. I could see the resemblance. Cept My teeth dont stick out My mouth as much.

Thank you, puppetgirl....

I have to go to work in 2 hours. And I dont want to. Big surprize eh?

I sat i the bar last night pondering things as drunk people sung, an danced all over the place........because they were flinging themselves all over the place, and of course let me not forget "ray" who everytime he buys a Guiness, kneels like he is praying and watches the bubbles settle to the top of the pint and then drinks it down. Such a good Irish boy. Where was I.....oh...pondering. All these people coming here, their diffrent lives and I start to get depressed again. Everyone here some way or another knows one another. I could never imagine having that many friends, or them all being in one place. And how I looked, and acted so diffrently than all of them. I hate to sound like a scientist but I cant help it, as Im always observing, and taking notes.

My diffrences, were the result of isolation. I was isolated as a child, and had no friends to guage My life, or reactions from. I think its a major reason when faced with these people, and them trying to connect with Me I freeze. What do I say? How should i act? I feel like the only one in the room who didnt get the joke. Despite them being drunk, I still would not have gotten what they said. I simply cant relate. And it hurt me. And I was embarrassed again. My only defense......crawling back into My shell as I did as a child and be the wall flower I used to be.

I felt like I was swimming in the ocean and was drowning amoung sharks. Drunk ones.

Its why Im so shy in social situations. I simply have no way of feeling comfortable when forced to fit into what others consider normal behavior. Face to face Im fine, is more intimate and I can actually maintain some semblance of maturity. But when they all stare, and they do......Im frozen inside. All I* can do is smile a little, and then they laugh because they think I understand, that I get it. When really Im scared.

Some days I just want to hide, and make everything go away.