overanalytical

stubborn

loyal

trusting

chivilrous

depressed

obsessive

thoughtful

jealous

unselfish

destructive

dreamer

hopeless romantic

sadist

controlling

forgiving

funny

open minded

needy

intellectual

intuitive

desperate

human

These are some of the things I think about Myself. Some Im proud of, some Im not. Many of the traits I mentioned I blame for losing so much in My life. And the reasons for why I have a hard time dealing with the shit I do. Most of the time I bury these things far down so I can get on with the day. Its only when the lights go out, and Im alone with My thoughts that the bad feelings creep back into My head. I dont have much to show for Myself. Nothing to be proud of, other than My service I gave. That was something people can see and appreciate. Not everyone could have done what I did. So for that I am proud.

Some days I wonder what I would be like if I never left the service. WOuld I still be the guarded silent one I was growing up?

Ever wonder what the shy quiet kid in the corner is thinking of all alone? You dont always want to know....

I hated everyone around Me. They had things, did things, and enjoyed what I never could. I didnt have any friends, real ones until I was in My teens. And those where short lived. It wasnt that I didnt know how to make friends, its that I was ashamed of many things....and soon when I couldnt "compete" with their lifestyles. And Im just not referring to money wise, but they always seemed to have more fun than Me. Parties, something I never was invited to. Dating....something I never did. Ever. Not in the technical sense anyway. It takes alot for me to let someone in close. Being young I never....I say again NEVER let anyone know what I was feeling, or thinking. Closed minded, quiet and left to My own devices I was. My parents never abused Me. That was one thing I did have, a loving family.

There was a time when the welfare dept and social services told My parents to put us in foster care, or put us up for adoption. They said it was for our own benifit. These were the days we were living in cars, and hotel rooms. Eating scraps and just waiting for time to pass which it did ever so slowly. Especially when your a kid. It was a saving grace My parents told them what they could do with that idea. And we stayed a family. Again, a small blessing.

Some of the shelters I grew up in were filled with crack dealers, prostitutes, and even more scum than a ghetto can produce. Some werent bad people, bad luck isnt so rare. I even found My first job then. A short order cook in a rather classy seafood restaurant. All at the tender age of 15. Of course they didnt know I was 15, so I was hired illegally. But the woman who hired me saw a boy digging for refund bottles and thought I would work well. Its something when a 15 year old boy is making more money than his father is....

Everything Ive gained as little as its been, Ive earned fair and square.

As contridictory as it sounds....being proud of the little things I have, but feeling ashamed at the same time, its still the truth. Im often at odds with My own thinking, and reality. I know what I want, but am afriad of change, taking risks, and being let down, rejected, and walked on. It is hard for me....to admit these things. But doing this, is something I could have never done 10 years ago. 10 years is a long time ......and Ive grown so much, and lost so much, and lived so much in 10 years.

I cherish the people who respect Me. I like knowing people come to me for answers. And what I loved most......what I wanted most....was for someone to love me for who I was. I had that ...... briefly. I had what I most wanted for a short time, and I loved every minute of it. No regrets, no doubts. And for the first time, I felt comfortable in My own skin. There is no way I can repay her. This is My sentimental side showing, but she in her own small way saved me. I owe her. She may not be with me anymore....but in My heart she will always be mine.

Ive rambled enough, and I hope I can look back on this and be proud.