I had a relapse this morning of a very depressing moment in history for Me. So disturbing it put me in a "safe enviorment" for My own good.

This is the whole of why I am like this:

When in comes to crisis situations NOT relating to Me, Im like granite. Nuclear war, biological attack, terrorism. I rise to the occasion and do what has to be done. Friend in need? Im making the sacrifices to see them better. But if its something that involves me intimately. Especially high drama, I become self abusive. Doing so is a subconcious unthought of act to make the feelings Im having go away, at any cost....usually My own safety.

I wasnt born this way instead I was a product of My enviorment, and My upbringing. I didnt have friends growing up. I had books. Living this way makes someone evolve diffrently, thinking diffrently, and most certainly reacting diffrently to outside stimuli. All I had was My own intellectuality, and self discovery. There were no rules for me to follow. I didnt have examples to see. No wonder I was the fucking weird kid in school, the outcast. I didnt laugh at the same jokes. And I know Im not alone there, it just feels like it sometimes.

So having embarressed Myself earlier, I wont delete it, as I hardly ever delete a thing I am simply accepting I need help sometimes. Not pity, just someone to listen to Me bitch. And to understand and feel what I had to feel. No one likes to be alone. Thats how I felt this morning in My relaspe, like the nightmare just started all over again and I needed a way out.

I really did think about running off the road, but My luck the car would flip sideways and land on its tires again like in dukes of hazard or some shit. Then I would be followed home where the looney wagon would be waiting for Me. I did however win a game of chicken with a dump truck, so bonus points for Me I guess.

I cant make excuses for My shortcomings. I overanalyze everything sometimes, and it can make me seem overbearing maybe......stubborn (which I am anyways) and quite needy. Because deep down I need assurances I never had. Too much has been taken from me. I never got closure for all the things gone wrong in My lifetime. So when all has been taken, its those little selfish acts which practically scream the words "help me" because when it has come to that, I rarely can help Myself. It took all day for Me to remember, the pain wont be there forever. There are things I will miss out on. And maybe, just maybe there will someday be the silver lining I so desperately yearn for.

All these things are what makes getting up in the morning such a task. I reach the points where if faced with life threatening circumstances....I dont care. Im a automaton of sorts...going through the motions hoping something good will merely "bump" into me accidentilly. Figuratively speaking of course. Alot of the bad luck I seem to have I blame on mere chance. I dont believe in fate per se. Its far to broad and far too many countless random circumstances which make fate a hard sell to Me. But seizing oppertunities.....

I apoligize for being retarded, and saying what I did. I say this in the chance I upset someone who actually does give a shitabout Me. And I meant it.

Goodnight.