Somehow I am always in a constant state of deep thought, or daydreaming about alternative realities than the one Im fucking stuck in all the time. Im expected, loved, cared for on apersonal level and people seek My company. All the good intentions in the world give you nothing but empty promises you make to yourself that in diffrent circumstances life would be better. Well no shit, thats why Im like this all the time. Im dreaming of those diffrent circumstances and I torture Myself each day.

Reality and how we see ourselves sometimes causes us to close ourselves away from things we dont like knowing. People I have spoken to, or words I have read have told me that depression, more common than people realize is a poison.

Someone shouldnt have to quit eating to make themselves feel normal.

Someone doesnt have to break the rules to try and be who they arent.

Im the crusader without a crusade. It makes me feel I have no purpose. This in turn seeps into all the aspects of Myself. Self image is crushed, doubts reaffrimed and the pangs of regret deeper. I felt most complete, when I was in the military.....this doesnt mean I loved Myself more but instead I felt like I actually had some value. Like My life was important somehow?

Some dwell too much on the "why" and less on the "how". What do I mean?

Why we live, where we came from, where are we going and what am I supposed to be doing here?

How I am going to live, how I effect others around me and how Im going to live My life and make people remember who I was.

Not knowing who you are hinders the thoughts needed to step forward. I know "who" I am. But knowing the who doesnt always make the How come any easier. I want....no....NEED to live life on My terms. More than ever. The past few years have shown Me what it means to be a man. A rifle and a mission didnt. I am more confident now. Open to peoiple, and ideas. Im not stuck in the corner anymore watching people talking, Im the one doing the talking. This is important to Me. My tastes and desires fuel My dreams. I want to see at the very least some of them come true. It isnt easy being a crusader in a world of appeasers. People unwilling to go outside the molds of society and accept things as diffrent. Few occupations appeal to me as My ideals allow. Well, at least occupations that pay well for the things I am willing to do. Nothing is perfect eh?

Ive said more than once....Im a facilitator. Making things happen. When I want something, I will make the sacrifices to see it done, even if it shortchanges something else in My life. Just one of the many aspects of My thinking laid to see.

I write in this journal, diary, log....whatever.....to see the thoughts I think laid in black and white. Literally. As time passes I get to see the changes, or the ideas once thought lost etched in words. This is My treasure. My honest thoughts. They may seem like gibberish at times....but its My gibberish. My ramblings. Mine. No one can take them away from Me. They can however share them.

Consider them My warning label.

"Doesnt play well with others"

"dont feed the sadist"