I didnt realize what was going on, until I thought I would crush My tteth from grinding them so hard.

I was dreaming again.

With My eyes open, at home listening to random tracks from My computer. Should I be ashamed? Im being true to My nature. I am telling who I am.

I was in a random place, with random people, under dire conditions. To be the last line of defense for innocent people. Or defending My own life. The heat of combat nearly melting those who opposed My sense of right and wrong. It is hard to explain.

Since I was very young I have been grooming Myself for the unexpected, worst case scenario. Mentally, hardening My concentration, thinking through M y reactions to certain things, taking the path of most resistance. Emotionally, knowing I wouldnt regret My actions, depeite the conditions. Blood of the enemy can wash away any shame.

Physically I have taught Myself the techniques I would use to disarm, crush, break and strike any part of My opponent. Regardless of circumstances. Even if I had no weapons, and they did. The unsure man will fail everytime. No delays, no regrets, action begets effect. Am I strong enough? Fast enough?

Planning everyday activities with the clouds of the unseen agressor in mind I probably carry more things then are generally needed for everyday life. Handcuffs, despite their bedroom intrigue are always on My person. Knives when appropriate.

Even when I walk into a building, I automatically size up every person in the place. Look for exits, and cover. Cover being a mix of protective barriers (cover) and concealment, something which makes it harder for an enemy to see you. Tactically thinking at all times. Always on guard. Mindset primed for the unknown. Am I asking for a fight? Perhaps. But not just any fight. It has to have a purpose. Some noble reason for endangering My own skin. Should it meet that requirement, I generally want to be in the front. Warface on, eyes ablaze and teeth shining in a sadistic grin.

My place, as I always knew it to be, was the field of battle. Even as a child I was the family watchdog. if someone picked on a family memeber, usually a sibling, I would go after them, age didnt matter. One instance I might have mentioned already. Four older boys, 16...I was 12. 4 on 1 odds. And My 8inch filet knife. Odds change you know. I make My own odds.

Im so aggressive. Boiling inside. Mad. Often a calm expression on My face can hide insideous thoughts I am currently enjoying. I dont know how many times Ive asked Myself if its a sickness. Or a unfullfilled desire to destroy the things I couldnt see, which haunted me My whole life. Maybe both. ive given up trying to decide. it is who I am. These past few years have been a big part of My growth as a man, human, and adult. I was forced to "grow up" when I was very young. Being poor, picked on, leaves little room for fun, and fantasy. Maturing so young has its drawbacks. I regret alot, not doing the things many take for granted. Things I missed out on, people brag about now, and I have to deal with all over again. They dont believe I didnt have this, or that when they always did. Clench fists, take deep breaths. Good. I didnt rip their lungs out.

No, I didnt have those things.

Not all of them material either. Friends, parties, gettogethers, fun. I had none of those things. I lived in a shell of thick skin most of My life. I closed out everything. It was My only weapon, ignorance. Later it would prove to hurt Me.

Despite My need, desire, yearning for combat, honorable combat.....I think I have shown a remarkable level of control. Cities arent in flames, and genocide is yet to be an accolade I add to resumes. WIll I die restless if I dont get those things, honorbale combat, dire circumstances which I can help in? No...but it wont mean I didnt try to prevent them from happening. A silent deterrence.....I think thats what I am. Always ready, but never needed.....

Being a Marine, was the closest I came to being as useful as I could have been. My discharge papers were mailed to Me 3 weeks before Sept 11th, 2001. I still think back, what if......and I close My eyes to try and go to sleep.