Im making one of My frankenstein dinners. Mystery meat, cooked in a pan, with mystery ingredients. I wouldnt serve it to friends or family, but its edible.

I had diffrent plans this evening. I wanted to do diffrent things tonight, and Im not. Im always surprized at how easily things can change. Or how things can be misunderstood. I still blame the internet, distance, and fucking uncertainty. Ive lost so many friends, and more to such things. Often I wonder if I had been with these people, how diffrent things would be. Would I have to wade through more uncertainties, or doubts when My face is in plain sight. Im not sure , but I know in My heart I could have changed things, prevented the wrong words from being said. I really am a Ghost, to those I mean to have contact with, and it hurts. There isnt a moment that passes I dont relive some sort of regret, for actions I could have taken, and I might not even be where I am today. I think I hold back perhaps. In friendships, relationships, and other things.

Even the best of intentions can be seen the wrong way, thousands of miles away. I am uncertain diary. is it wrong to be afraid of things I cannot control, or should I still try anyway?

Im listening to music. Songs I havent listened to in over a year. They remind Me of the past. Some memories so lighthearted I could fly. Others so bitter and regretful there isnt a hole deep enough to hide. I have gotten softer over time. I didnt think it would ever happen. I was skeptical, and jaded by many things and My trust in people also didnt excist.

Its been said, I wear My heart on My sleeve. Surely not one of flesh and blood, but My soul. Who can count the times I have let simple things rip at My insides. How many times I have let Myself be open to reliving old pains, and making them new ones again. Maybe Im incapable of having something pure in My life. This of course isnt the first time Ive asked this question, and knew I wouldnt get a response. This is Me looking up, and asking "why"? SOme days it seems as if I have lost the edge I had. My will has softened. And Im beginning to feel again. To care.....and not be objective as I once was. I cant deny the master in Me. Just as I cant deny the sensitivity which makes me a warm, and caring man. its piecing them together to ensure one doesnt over power the other even by sheer defensive reation. the prideful, agressive dominant side, and the other more patient, insightful side. It was named "S vs. P" once. But somehow that doesnt fit in this scenario. But it is still one thing which makes Me who I am.

I think too much. Love too strongly. Fight battles that cannot be won. Seek answers I cannot have. Want happiness that might never be. I know when friends stop talking to Me. I feel more alone. Their prescence is missed, and the warmth dissapates leaving a void to be filled. I am the only one left behind. What good is a man, who cannot keep friendships, relationships, and Himself in order? Sometimes order, and consistancy is a dream. We think we are sometimes in control, and then things get complicated again, throwing us off balance. And then uncertainty returns again.