I was actually starting to feel good about Myself these past few months. New job, friends from work to talk to, hang out with. Friends online who I could turn to for support, conversation, and reality checks. I was maybe dillusional, and forgot certain aspects of My excistance which haunt Me and make life a fucking hell. Well, it happened. I was kicked square in the balls by life once again. Im reminded of the shortcomings, and mistakes, and regrets I have as human being and not being some pond scum with no life other than absorbing light and things to live. Our life requires other things to stimulate growth, intelluctual stimulation and exploration.

There were times in My recent past, where I was in dire straights. Out of work, for up to 8 months one time. I had a great job, but I couldnt do it anymore. At the time there was no money, and My personal life was in flames. Bills which were under control became too much. They slid out of grasp and turned into major demons which haunt Me today. I work, to keep those demons just out of biting range. I would lead a carefree life if it werent for the constant reminder I am a slave to the system. Each payday is a reminder of the grip sociey has on Me. I cant escape it any better than everyone else. And it is probably My biggest source of stress. Its only by having the "little things", and those who know Me would agree......they are the things which bring Me the only happiness I have. They are the things which keep me living another day. Hopeful to have more of them, and make not seem so dreary, and oppressive.

I hate who I am sometimes. And I certainly dont really love who I am either. Not a day passes I dont have a internal conflict to resolve. Some flaw to overlook, or some regret to bury so I can at least look at Myself objectively in the mirror in the morning. To not want to tear at the flesh peering back at Me. Then all the doubts come to the surface. Why would anyone want Me? I dont have anything to offer. Im a dark pit, not some road to travel on. Like a black hole, absorbing everything, I contain much, but offer little hope of gaining anything meaningful without the chance of hurting others.

I stare at gun barrels too much. I know what comes out of those little holes. The seemingly invisible edge of a blade too, why do I want them to pierce My chest. Im too comfortable with such things. Midnight in a cemetary seems like a party, even when Im alone. Out of little holes come bigger holes. I can hear the metal parts clicking together. See the movement, and hesitate before release, questioning the possibility of what might happen. Arent I a sane person? What would people think? Then I get angry, as if anyone outside of My little circle would even know why I would do such a thing. Fuck them.

The seconds pass. Then moments. Time making its progressive march into tomorrows, then engagements yet to be seen. Each tick of a clock is a small victory for Me. Its another oppertunity to do something right, and not let the things in My mind currupt Me into the nothingness I know lurks just beyond those clicks.

Seems rather morbid. Just like friends who share thoughts and feelings Ive had, they also know those thoughts and feelings never truely die. They lay dormant and appear suddenly making everything seem just that much bleaker. I just want to never wake up somedays. Dreaming is just too nice, too comforting a reality, although I know it isnt real, its only then I feel happy. Unburdened by the things I face everyday. All My fears, regrets, demons, and troubles vanish for those times, and Im whole again. I wonder who would come to My funeral.

Im just tired of it all. And I want it to stop. I just want it to all stop. But I know it wont. I think I will go play with something dangerous....