The unsettling feeling that when you go to the bathroom, and the phone rings you are missing an important call. You can even see the persons face in your mind as the phone rings.....you rush and it was a wrong number, or an "unknown" name and number. Scrolling through the missed calls when you come home hoping one of them was the person you wanted to hear from...

Maybe Im waiting for a call that will never come. And I got my hopes up...as usual.

Boring halloween. No one came to our door when I was home for candy, just like the last few years. Holidays in general are becoming just more of a nuisance as I get older, or more accurately as time passes. They feel less important. Less memorable.

The optimism I had last year is dead. Much like the optimism I encouraged the year before that. I can nstill taste the champagne I had two years ago taosting my good luck for a successful new year. The 2006 of my life was adventurous, exciting and hopeful. Yes there were frayed nerves as I waited for school. But overall I was in a positive frame of mind, making plans and taking steps to a way out of the shit I have been living for the last ten years. The events with my cousins husband left me feeling bitter, and humiliated but I still felt as if things were getting better, even if my start wasnt as ideal as I had hoped.

2007 came...

I dunno. Im still not quite sure what to say. As sad as I was at my diagnosis....I was also given something.

Nothing focuses your life quite like adversity. A disease, major injury, or some other tragic event to make you take a step back and look at the new path you are now faced with. Knowing you cant turn back, and your options are limited, but you are still free to charge ahead in this new direction with a knowledge and respect for life you may not have had prior to the event. Its surreal. Its unfair. Its enlightening. Its reality.

So what am I to do with this invisible foot up my ass?

Switch topics for just a sec....

My mouse died. And by mouse I mean the one connected to my computer. This means I had to drive out to buy a new one. The new one is a nifty new microsoft ergonomic "wont hurt your jack off hand" mouse with canted styling. Like a picasso painting.