Aside from all the obvious, breaking and entering, a scream, fire, or flood. The usual suspects dont count. But when everything is normal, and secure, heat on and I am so comfortable there is nothing which should have woken Me up at this hour.

I was scared.

Lucid dreaming. I have been so tired lately that I fell into a deep, deep sleep and Im one of the few who can control his dreams, or at least parts of it where it feels so real I am not even asleep in it. I know conciously Im dreaming but I also feel like Im awake despite the fact Im in bed.

Two worst case scenarios came from no where and I didnt purposefully play them out on My own. Maybe it was premonition, or fears I had not even thought of realistically until just now.

I am (hopefully) starting school in January. If on a new route, from a diffrent terminal with new people and diffrent trucks what if somehow by sheer chance one of the doors magically opens accidentally while the truck is moving. And money falls out.

Oh.......shit.....

Think about it. Think of all the "innocent" people out there, unarmed and minding their own business. What makes you think they wont all come rushing to scramble for what has fell. I have heard stories from people I work with of how they have caught cars fallowing them when they realized one of the doors from the truck they were in was ajar slightly. These "innocent" people were following hoping to get free samples. Or when one of our other terminals trucks flipped over on a expressway all the passerbys jumped from their cars to grab and run with what they had. Women were apprehended with bags of quarters in their shirts. No Shit.

So faced with money on the ground, and Me telling people to stay away, to take nothing or go to jail how do you propose I stop them? Old ladies putting money in their purse and others grabbing and running what do I do? I cant shoot unarmed people. They pose no threat to My life. But I am scared. I could be a target, and I am still ultimately liable for the loss. I have no faith in good samaritans. When given an oppertunity for free gain most people will take it and run. They only show guilt or remorse when they have been caught.

Scenario two, the one which really got me out of bed.

My partner, pulls and tries to point his weapon at me in the truck.

One surefire way to get me upset, pissed off, or angry is to make a threat on My life. In this life, and especially this job I trust no one. This fact is told to everyone to supervisor, to pee-on. CUstomers and strangers alike. A man came to me in a store today to shake My hand and ask me if My gun was real. No shit Sherlock. I was tempted to say with real bullets too. he tried to be funny, or accomodating but I was having nothing of it. Such behavior puts me on high alert. It isnt normal. You dont go to a surgeon and shake his hand while he has someone open on the table. Go play pattycake with a bomb squad guy. DOnt try to play to me while I am watching a manager leaning over a ATM with the door open and money out.

I kindly let him know I didnt trust anyone, despite his assurances he was "one of the good guys". Everyone says that, even the bad ones which is why I dont care.

SO imagine My stress level, or the fucking level of My bloodpressure when someone I am supposed to have a small amount of confidence in pulls his weapon on Me? You motherfucker....

I could feel the stress in My fists as I wanted to rip his face off, and get him the fuck out of the truck at ther same time.

EVerything after that was a blur. I was awake, laying in bed fooling Myself into thinking I could resolve this crisis and fall back to sleep. I was fooling Myself.

Nothing short of playing out the scenario, in My favor and then taking the time to settle down will allow me to sleep again.

In My mind I know the drill. The rules I have to follow. Protocols. Who to contact, locks to check, and people to watch. There is nothing in that truck worth My life, but when My life is exactly what is at stake dont tell me to "just relax". I will rip out your fucking lungs. I simply cannot calm down like that. There is no Shaolin monk in Me swaying in the breeze. I am in danger, and Im reacting as forcefully, and deciseively as I know how. I am not a negotiator. I cant disscuss it rationally to people who are looking at me from the other side of a thick glass window who want to come in "because they know better". Police are not allowed on a armored truck for any reason other than if someones life is on the line. Namely a medical emergency. And even there is a valid reason for them to board a supervisor from My terminal has to be there, and they must sign for everything on the truck. Your badge doesnt mean anything to me while Im on this truck, Alone and in danger. Your assurances dont do shit to calm me down.

I hate when I get worked up like this. It makes me seem like a loose cannon, or a irrational person. Dont be folled by this sense of disarray. I am simply reacting to stimuli. This is how I have trained My brain into reacting. It may be violent, or passive but I always react. Not reacting can get me killed.

Or wake me from a sleep.

Take nothing for granted, because when you least expect it you can have everything stolen from you in a instant.