arrrrggg....

Last two days can go to hell. Postage prepaid......first class. Yesterday, was supposed to be a day off and an outing with sis to get her stereo installed. I call her work to find out she left early, and had an "episode" according to a woman who works with her. Something told Me this woman was the office busybody/drama queen/gossip hound. I was correct I later found out. The episode was described to me as a nervous breakdown. Pretty intense for a wednesday morning. So.....shifting gears I located My sister and went to find her.

Turns out nothing of the sort happened. The woman overexxagerrated the case and My sister although depressed, wasnt falling apart...

I dont know where people get their basis for comparisons, I really dont. They, being so far out of the loop of conventional life, enclose themselves in self rightiousness, and ignorance. She thought she was the right one, when I knew she was full of shit. I hope something violent happens to her....

Sick was the key word for the day yesterday. Headache, and the feeling in My stomach that I was on the verge of vomiting. Definately ideal working conditions. o_o

It took some pretty good willpower to not slump and rot in My own juices yesterday. I didnt hurl, nor did I fall apart. Go Me. But I did go home early, and didnt stay behind for some overtime. Body wanted bed. I layed down as soon as I got home, and didnt get up until 9:30am. Over 17 hours of bed, mixed with pain. And Im really dehydrated too. The headache is a dull pain now, but the stomach seems to have settled. Work isnt looking too tempting.

I had nightmares all night. Unreasonable ones. Sort of like worst possible scenario type nightmares. When the body, AND the mind are against you, your fucked for sure. What could I do in defense? Whimper? Cry? No, I layed like a lump and took My medicine in silence. Like I usually do. Go Me, again.

Rather than tell what the nightmares were about, I will pretend they didnt happen and deny the masses any chance of teasing me about them.

Im as I always have been lately. Feelings are the same, thinking is the same. There is no map of life. So Im wandering somewhat right now. Making no stops, taking no pictures of the landscapes. I see many forks in the road, but fear and insecurity keep Me walking straight ahead. The easy road. the apth laid in front of Me. taking it one day at a time. No surprizes, no chance for risk. But Im not happy either. I know where the road leads, eventually. Its a road which will leave Me bitter, and yearning in the end. Not much to look forward to is it. But when we are afraid and unwilling to venture forth due to past history. We condemn ourselves to this path. I have been known to be quite stubborn. It takes alot to convince me otherwise, even when I know Im wrong. just one of the many selfish things I let Myself do. Not be led around, protecting My sometimes fragile pride. It isnt always the right thing to do, but more often its the selfish thing to do. CLose yourself up, and walk blindly. Nope, dont see that pothole, nope. Until we step in it, and walk with wet feet.

If all the wishes I wished all My life suddenly came true, what would happen?

If I added up all the pennies I had collected, looking down in the streets would suddenly add up, what would happen?

If things had gone My way, and I didnt end up where I am now, would I regret not meeting the people I met along the way?

Yes, I would.