I shouldnt have looked.

My hate for people stems from many sources. Not all of them reasonable. This is one of those times. Deep inside I want someone to suffer, harsh terrible suffering. To lie on the verge of death and linger for as long as the sweet grip of terror holds them. My selfish wish. One of many I have silently spoken but have never seen fullfilled.

Hate is indeed a strong word. It represents strong feelings of dislike, and discontent. It isnt always backed with a valid reason for being. But it eats away at the fiber of what keeps Me whole, and satisfied I am doing everything to make My way in the world. I just want to blurt out why I feel this way. But Im ashamed. Afraid and unwilling to give in to the temptation I am facing.

I cant sit still, I tremble in My chair. Ideas rushing into My head, and none of them sound. What I want I shouldnt be allowed to have. But it doesnt change the way I feel. The will screams for action. There is none. My hands and fingers grip at nothing. All they get in return is cold air. Unsatisfied rage looking for a victim. Thankfully there is none. I know what I want, but I fear the repurcussions of such actions more. So I find Myself seeking the remnants of patience which can bring this secret war to an end. Concede and go on. Even if the very thought sickens Me, I have no choice. That very reality has become more and more clear each day.

Count My losses......and try and salvage what remains.

I hate losing.......

Death is a dream, and a punishment. Depending on which side your on. You can either fear its coming, or embrace its cold grip. It doesnt hate or love anything. It is simply a means to an end. I know where Im going with this, Ive been there before and its never a pretty sight.

Long ago, I spent some quality time under the care of some people. (vague reference) I tried to convey to them how I felt about things in My world. What they had to say, didnt help me. I didnt believe their sincereity, or what they believed to be the right answers. Anyone who has been where I have, knows that someone who doesnt have the first clue cant possibly help us. I grew tired of the false hopes they gave so freely, and the pills which accompanied those false hopes. Both bitter and draining on Me. Despite My promises I made in the dark, eyes wet and heart burning..... I still feel the pull of the cold. Trauma, old feelings dying hard, whatever it is......it makes me do things, say things and feel things I would rather forget. Its the same things which make people hurt themselves, razors...alcohol, drugs, and possibly....more sinister and final methods of pain release. We know no other way of stopping or dealing with things which "haunt" us. I plot the deaths of those driving me over the edge. Or My own. Shameful I know, but the truth. I know that My happiness lies in the knowledge that I mean something to people. And those even closer to me.