People ask me sometimes, how do I see Myself. What do I look for deep down inside and what do I do to attain that which I seek. A little self exploration later, I think Ive come up with a somewhat logical answer. Taking the question literally, as i often do.....I imagined a mirror, looking into who I think I am to others. But the only thing I see, is the look in My eyes. Its very personal, what I am going to say....but perhaps it will lighten My heart some.

I see inside Myself, when I look in My eyes, a unfulfilled yearning. Hopefull and strained. These eyes have seen things, just as any other might see thier life pass before them. But each has a diffrent way of seening these moments, played over and over like in a dream. The eyes of a dream have a way of making the future brighter, and the past bleaker then possibly it ever was. If you want to see how I am feeling, look in My eyes....for as strong as I can be, the eyes can never hide the truth. Deep pools of blue..at times glazed and wet or brightened with news of happiness smiling by themselves. So how do I use My eyes to see into Myself. Do the eyes see what the heart does? Indirectly perhaps, thruough the eyes of others, who see the suffering and it can be sen in thier faces. As hard as I try to keep how I feel from everyone, those who know me best can see it. just as plainly as the words I type now. Im not happy. Any semblance of joy was quickly put out by lies, and the actions of others. This by no means equals I am the most pitiful case in history for heartache, but what it does mean is in My small way....I have seen enough at certain points on My journey where life held no purpose any longer. Of course, I have through self help...changed that view of Myself. I made a solemn promise to Myself. One I intend to keep for as long as I live. To seek others who have during thier days also seen pain. My promise is to try as best I can to offer comfort, and support, and a ear or shoulder regardless of thier past. In My darkest days, locked away in a hospital I would have done anything for a kind word, understanding, and compassion. it never came. Forced to suffer in silence, drugged and kept locked away. A heart lanced with misery was forged into something new. I in My corner changed who I was. Imagine if you will, a deep dark pit. Ragged and cold. So deep only one shard of light had a chance to find the bottom. That light, is hope. By choice...I remain at the bottom of this hole, embracing the things all want to never feel. My purpose, to lift those who fall into this hole, higher and towards the light. Some need deep inside Me has given Me this task. To share the burden of others, so they never have to be alone. You might call this selfish. For me to say I am the bottom of this pit, this hole in hell, and hell isnt hot full of fire. it is those cold lonely corners, where all there is around you is your own misery, and your thoughts. Look into the blackness and two pools of blue will be there, watching you. Offer Me your hand, let Me be the one to lift you higher, hope to shine upon misery once again. It sounds so......climactic, somber. But how many times have we felt this way? No one knows how we feel? There is now ay out? No absolute in this world? I am that absolute. Sacrificing Myself, even just one man.....I cant deny what I feel inside. This armor over My heart is thick and cold. Its only purpose is to shield me from Myself. We are our own worst critics. I am no exception. My hate for Myself almost cost Me life, and on more than one occasion. No one hears Me speak of it, it hurts too much. When we feel the pain inside, and the only solution in sight is death....there is no lower a soul can be. A creature in black, His heart golden...warm and forgiving. Someone asked what a "GhostOfGor" was.....this is your answer. it is everything that I am, and everything I want to be. Codes of Honor burned into My spirit. The need to enforce My will upon the world. Not to conquer, but to change how we see each other. We can be strong, and forgiving. What you see in Me is just that, but to a flaw. It needs to be, the absolute truth. One who will regardless show compassion to those who silently cry out for someone to care for them. My arms are big, My heart warm. The gold heart.

We all have regrets in life. To me a regret is the worst thing we can suffer with....a mistake we can never change. One which caused us or another hurt. Guilt, shame, remorse. They are regret to Me. We can be so weakened by them that it changes us to the point of voilence, depression, or hatful vengeance....retribution sometimes. We blame ourselves, or others for things which may or may not have had other outcomes. Such is chance, and life. We all walk a path.....it will have deviations...and pitfalls. but our path is guided by those small choices we make everyday. Not forgetting the choices of others mingle with our own, the man who sits next to us on a train, a child crossing a street in front of you. The woman looking at you that very instant you turn your head. Pure chance, fate to others...whos outcomes are to great to calculate. Destiny to Me is the way each of us feels in diffrent scenarios and out "usual" or expected choices in those situations which create the path we walk. *hope that made sense*

So when I see someone giving hints about themselves. I remember them. It might sound wierd to people, someone so seemingly eager to help. Scary, given My appearance, for I am no angel. Im a fallen son. Someone who beleives he was forsaken to learn how to care for Himself, and others. Im in no way religous, or much inclined to spirituality. Logic is mainly My way of seeing things. I think ALOT. Putting Myself in the shows of others, to catch a glimpse of how they feel. Its My way of reading people, and that was the short description.

I will finish with a short lesson. Why I captialize My possessive pronouns. Because Im online alot, I spend time in alternative lifestyle chatrooms. In these rooms people for some reason or another fit into one of three catagories. Dominants, submissives, and Switches. The first two are obvious, the third shouldnt be hard to figure out, they "switch" from being one to the other. Role reversal. Donimants by their very nature want to give the impression of control, and some just by how they act almost demand attention and respect. This doesnt mean they are arrogant, some are but not all. Imagine the tone of voice a Dom/Domme, Master/Mistress might use when speaking. is it frail and squeaky? Deep and firm? By capitalizing possessive nouns, thier name.....it gives the ambiance of Dominance that submissives seek. And it makes indentifying them easier as well. So by habit I just always capitalize them now. Im still the same person offline that I am online, it justs identifys My given role in said rooms I mentioned. Easy right? Ok, hug Me now. *smirks* Cmon, I know you want to.......I wont bite...