Comments:

berkinix - 2005-12-12 03:06:44
I can't tell you how to stop it from happening again, because as my 'Ama says, "Cojeamos de la misma pata." We limp by the same foot. Apparently, you and I are infected with the same disease, eh? At least, some people will call it a disease. I creep people out by being so blunt, I push them away. And I can't seem to stop it in me, so I've quit trying. Maybe a nap will help? Try milk and cookies, that works for me, at least for a while.
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-12 05:44:55
Ahahaha,haha,no no don�t worry.You don�t make me log off or anything.At all.Usually I write an email,and also want to continue in a second and third one etc,cause,to me,I have the big urge to write absolutly everything down,you know,to be really thorough.As if it�s a cleaning act. But somehow I�m getting tired,like:physically. But,like I said,I think it had all to do with other stuff I had going on in my life,you know,now with the magic stuff gone I feel much more free and like I have more time.That means I will write you more. I have the intention-just somehow there rolled a wave of physical tiredness over me when I finished an email,that was all.Not tired in my mind,just in my body.
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-12 05:56:59
So,I myself,it just looks like I need time,just because of my body-like I said:I always feel exhausted.It�s weird,don�t know what it�s coming from. I feel that you are so nice and you are allowing me to do stuff in betwee. I feel like you are not all greedy going:I NEED you to talk to me right now-you are more like:It�s ok,clean your bathroom,do something for yourself in between.----So,don�t worry,why I don�t stay longer,that is really only my physical tiredness,only.----I tihnk you are reading too much into your own stuff,like:I don�t feel very influenced by you as far as the staying with you goes. You don�t have to feel guilty about your strong feelings or confessions or whatever,you know:they don�t come on very strong,I am not too influenced by them at all. Do you know what I mean? You write you are holding back stuff,but i think that even if you didn�t it still wouldn�t be that big of a change.For me emotionally,you see? I don�t feel like you are influencing me.You are still not taking away my freedom of choice,if you go into your feelings more and talk about them more deeply.You know? You overestimate its impact! That�s what I meant to say. You can talk about your feelings more,not a problem,it�s really not much of an impact!!!---So,I don�t know about other people,if they wanted to fool you telling you you scared them away with deep feelings-I don�t know! You�re really not scaring me away,don�t worry,not a problem. I can see you,I notice you are here,but,that�s of course what I want,I want to rely on someone else,on you.So,of course I want you to have some,uh,I want you to reach out for me,sure.I want you to have some kind of motion towards me,haha,of course! You can be emotionally attached,not a problem!!!
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-12 06:27:01
Yeah,on the wheelchair thing-well,the only thought I got on this was:Wanting to take care of someone? Looking for a partner who you can pamper? I don�t mean it negativly. I have a book that describes the different sexual fantasies and relationship type wishes of the different starsigns,and you can choose symbols to see in what mood you are in today-so,and there I read:pisces-enery,and that I thought is a bit like YOU are.Cause,you described that scenario often:a woman wanting to take care of someone,wanting to take the fears of someone away,calm them down,build them up and so on!! I thought this fit perfectly to you,also because they book went on saying:these women are likely to pick alcoholics!!! You know,cause to me that was always such a bummer,such a questionmark:WHY on earth would she pick suck weaklings,you know:guys who just don�t come through.----So,there would be an answer:this type likes taking care of someone.-----If that is really the case,I think it goes well with us,cause,you can take care of me and I don�t pay you back by now falling back into the state of being a totally helpless toddler! So I think that�s ok here.----I thought that was why you mentioned the wheelchair thing,cause,guys in wheelchairs would maybe also have this kind of appeal.(to "women like you",so to say). So,I thought that�s how it got mentioned-but,I myself am of course FAR away from that,I for me personally am really really looking for the opposite type:I think you are extraordinarily strong and can take things.Like:if the relationship was a sport,let�s say icehockey,then I would pick the strongest player to be my partner,as opposing team.Like,for me the idea is to pick the STRONGEST,the most fierce partner,so that I myself don�t have to care and can also fully live my powers and my strength-like,the most dreadful thing for ME is to play with a partner who I know is only half as strong as I,say an icehockey player with a broken foot.-------You know what I mean? So,MY goal in relationships is of course picking the strongest,most fierce player,cause then it�s most fun!!! It means I get to be mean(on the ice)and it will mean nothing! I will be forgiven,cause the dude has skin made of steel,you know. Like,I don�t have to watch myself with him,you know!! I don�t have to like ALWAYS be polite,keep my mouth shut,etc,like,baby the other person.Cause,to me that�s what I HATE the most,those men REPULSE me,I tell you.-------------So,I would pick the strongest player-who I could get.
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dwench - 2005-12-12 10:58:34
*love* if being honest were easy, it wouldn't be valued so highly.
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-12 11:35:39
Yeah,hi,ok,thanks,for that *love*.I understand that,relieves me-but hey,what do you mean about being honest? You are saying it�s hard for YOU,or for other people,or for me-cause,hm,yeah,you don�t have to feel guilty about it-ah,or do you mean that false comment,oh,yeah,well,I guess I got over it.Like,it�s ok,it does no harm as soon as I understand it,you know...I�m so mixed up though.So,you are saying it was your fault? Cause,I had been thinking it was MY stuff,hm,I just-of course you are human,and from this earth.See,that�s not problem if you are turned on and stuff.I tell you,I don�t even notice those things.That is really safe with me-hah,I tell you,I live in the clouds or something,cause,I don�t notice anything about you except for your soul.Do you know? I notice your soul,I can see you like me with your soul. But I don�t notice any physical stuff,like,if you are turned on,sexually,like a male,I don�t SEE that!---I don�t see you! Like I said,to me,I look at you and I see...a woman,you know? I don�t see that,this male identity,which is portrayed in some of your entries.Diaries.I don�t see that.----That�s also why I thought afterall that stuff was mine,with the false comment,I think you were just giving that back randomly.You know? in fact it was MY energy.---I don�t see how I could prove it,but,I thought that you,your anima was turning on my animus.And it�s me who has an erection like this,you know.---So,uhm...bottom line is of course:I don�t understand you,your question,or your concern.I don�t get it.But,of course,that doesn�t matter-.......your penis can�t play a role in my world and in my thinking.What counts for me if what *I* like.I like you.
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Officehours - 2005-12-12 18:49:09
If people leave because they can't handle the real you then they wouldn't have been worth the energy you put into them in the long run. -- Have you ever seen Tombstone? The movie? Well it is one of my favorites only because of the fanatically devoted friendship displayed between Wyatt and Doc. That is what I give in my friendships and that is what I expect. Needless to say, I don't make new friends easily. What is worse is that I'm always wary of my aquaintances until they do something or say something that shows beyond all doubt how much they actually do care. I'm so fucked up that I don't realize someone is my friend until they actually tell me that they are. But this isn't about me. What I came here to say is, Many people can affect your life. Some need only a single sentence to leave their mark but that doesn't make them any easier to replace or to forget.
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-14 10:29:05
You know-I like that sentence where you said that this is what you give in friendships and expect.I liked the "expect".I thought you was gonna say:That�s what I accept.Like,I adore you and stuff and you accept that,like,tolerate that,whatever.But you say "expect that",and,wow,that�s true,I know.That you expect that-that is just,that blows me away,that is something I think is awesome and,that is new to me.I never knew you could do that!---It fits so well,cause,I feel small next to that,hehe,let�s say against you,you know,to me that looks like I am a small mountain,you know,and you are a big one,and that�s where I want to be,you know.---In my eyes this "expecting" is SUCH a great thing,such a big thing,I tell you,I could have never even imagined this ability,or attitude or this way or whatever.That�s just beyond my imagination.That thing I truly truly admire with you. I�m sure all your family is kind of like that,are they?---I tell you:In my universe this attitude didn�t exist.I still don�t know how anyone could ever possibly do that.Be so expecting,you know.I think this attitude is wonderful!---Like:I only knew guys and men,you know,who have like zero confidence,and,I�ve never met anyone who�s confidence is real,you know? I have only known of people who would SAY they expect a partner with devotion or whatever,you know,like you said,but,they would only SAY it,the words were empty! If you would give those people attention they would act like it�s something gross or whatever,like:getting a lot of attention makes you big,blows you up like a baloon,right? Personality wise,I mean,you feel like,I don�t know,a king or whatever.Right? So,I don�t know,I think I have only known people who think it�s dangerous to be big anyway or something.I�m wondering:why do only YOU like a lot of attention? ----Well,whatever,whatever,bottom line is:I love that so much when you are in this state with a lot of self esteem,you know,feeling big(personality wise),I love that.I love being next to you like that,this is very very pleasant for me and romantic,you know!!
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Pfirsich - 2005-12-14 10:32:15
So,I�m so thankful to you that you can do that.I�m even thankful to your mom,too,if she�s like that,too!
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