Moreso I hate feeling guilty for doing so.

What am I going to do? Somehow I know I force you into silence. Into feeling embarrassed for doing nothing wrong. Making you hang up, or log off simply because you dont know how to respond, to talk to me without feeling cornered. This should never be, and it bothers me beyond words.

Beyond biting My tongue, holding back the floodgate of emotion is harder still.

I am a very emotional person. Probably more than most. Not in a irrational sense, I do possess patience, and maturity some sorely need. But when something hits me hard I find it hard to reason with those feelings in a not so quiet way, where it doesnt come out and make some people look at me like I am off the charts.

Without giving all away, I am in a confused state. There are too many small inconsistancies which play upon My brain cells. I try and put them into a usable equation, and when a new tidbit appears it throws off all hopes of making sense of what I thought I knew. You, are a conundrum. You puzzle Me, intrigue me and make Me want to know more. But you give so little. You tease without knowing you do so. It makes feeling the way I do, harder.

I hate feeling like I blamed someone for something they have no control over. Namely Me. What effect they have on My life.

I have known people from all over the world. Some I have never met, or will never meet or talk to again but the mark they made Om my mind is immeasurable. They were special to me. They mean something, and if I dont speak to them anymore, it isnt by My own choice but because they have broken off contact. A couple in particular because I think it hurt more to talk to me, than to forget what had been said in the past. Those in My mind are loose ends.

Some I mention by name on this page. In My little white and black lettering. Even some I mention will neve rread what I have to say here. Maybe that is for the best. SOme things should be kept to oneself. To save face, or to save the feelings of the other person. Even if it sounds like I am talking about them behind their back, I dont mean to. rarely do I say anything bad to someone who I didnt already say it to in person. I hate twofaced people. They are cowards.

I know when you leave before I have a chance to say goodbye, you are running away.

Tell me how I can stop this from happening. Anyone.

Sometimes the truth isnt what people want to hear. Sometimes openess can be a bad thing. Some people prefer the illusion of bland chatter, than real discussion. They dont want to know more than that. Small talk, sugar coated for formal occasions. Nothing substantial. I remember times when there was substance, and talk of promises. But no more. Some do, but they dont. It makes no sense.

It hurts to pretend. To think I have something with other people. Friendships, or whatever we share.

I am also tired of the crap, the reasoning I get for why Im so nice, or special, and shit. It makes me feel like the kid in a wheelchair at the prom. There is nothing wrong with me which can be seen with your eyes. My real shortcomings are invisible to even me or I might have tried to repair what was broken in the first place. Now I sound like a diagnostic program in your fucking computer.