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9:26 p.m. - 2013-10-28Things are complicated at the moment.
There is a lot I want to say, about my family, my living situation and myself in general but I am afraid that would reveal just how afraid I am when I think about it. Yes, I have a brave face. Normally I don't let anyone know just how concerned I am about things, and really part of that is I do not want pity, or help. But sometimes trying to figure it out on my own without help...even just to make sense of the hole I am in could be a good thing.
Perspective. That's the word I use these days to explain why things are so screwed up, or why it feels that way.
I am in the hole trying to look out, and when the walls I have put up are this high, all you see is wall. This is a self imposed prison, or camouflage so somewhere deep down I can pretend those things which are bothering me don't exist. Ignoring problems don't make them go away, no do they.
On the plus side.... I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Since I have been hurt, and not working since the 11th of September time is something which has been in great supply. I'm not used to having this much free time as the past 10 years I worked 70 hours a week or more. The good of this is I am well rested but without any income bills are piling up and there is no sign of the end of that particular tunnel in sight.
I've stepped away from the safety of the curb and into traffic from a philosophical standpoint. Out of the pan into the fire. The freedom my brain demanded has been granted but this freedom comes at a price. How I fare will test who I am as a person and hopefully I am stronger for it.
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