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9:08 p.m. - 2010-10-23

Yes, just like that.

Ive deleted any contacts, any connections to someone Ive known for 7 years. I feel extremely guilty about it. So much so my stomach hurts. I just couldnt take the emotional roller coaster anymore. The hangups, the seemingly hateful words we used to exchange before one of us would hang up on the other. Despite all the years Ive known her.... I always enjoyed her company. Until a few minutes ago.

I wasn't in a bad mood. Was feeling pretty good actually, or I wouldn't have entertained answering her question.

I wrote in a blog a friend of mine has about alternative lifestyles. Ive been a member since its inception many years ago. A very controversial topic to be sure. Something told me not to talk about it. Not because I dont mind opposing opinions, but because somehow I knew the line of questioning which would follow would go off on a tangent and have little to do with a point I was trying to convey.

I am stubborn. I know I am. But what frustrates me is when instead of staying within a certain parameter which I set for the sake of comparison of specific topics, she would instead add a new dimension to it.....

Her line of thought wasnt invalid. But it wasnt relevant (to me) about something as basic as man vs. women. I never mentioned black vs. white. Race has little to do with the relationship of men and women in their respective cultures. Can they7 be compared? Sure. But I wasnt talking about race, so why even bring it up?

My personality, which has changed over the last several years leaves little openings for change. This is my flaw. And its also something I dont apologize for. Its been changed internally for my own protection.

She always used to ask me "why".

I never could answer her why. Or I would sidestep the questions entirely. The truth is I never could trust her completely. Ive caught her lying to me more then once. She would deny it, or have an explanation as to why there is conficting details. Im not a complete idiot. I feed on attention to details. When there is a loose end its like a big red flag waving in the wind.

I used to love her. IO really did. I even cried myself to sleep some nights worrying if she was ok.

I cant shed any tears any more. For her or any one like her who would show me love. Im not capable of trusting anymore. That part of me froze up long ago. Too much hurt. Too little worth holding onto. Friendship I thought, would be the best of it. The lesser of two evils.

I am sorry for the silence. For the dead ends. But maybe, just maybe this is something we both needed for a long time. We just have been in denial for all this time. I just cant be what you want me to be. I cant change who I am for anyone anymore.

I alienate myself from anything, and everything. This is my choice, sometimes subconsciously.

I dont like goodbyes. And I dont want to hate you. But I think its too late for goodbyes, and saying Im sorry.

Good luck, Rachel. I hope it all works out for you.

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