Its been a long time, I know. Ive been preoccupied. Distracted, and avoiding things. Alot of things.

Im over 100 days behind my Step Forward Study work. Meaning Ive done no spirometry tests, logs, or anything. It isnt just laziness causing it, my last breathing test, blowing into the spirometer I almost passed out, and fell out of my chair. So part of it is fear. I really, really hate to do breathing tests. They kick my ass.

Easter was quiet. I bought a little gift for my nephew, the cool, understanding Godfather figure and it was his first wall cross I picked out from an online store. Irish blessing cross. Little emerald "gems" shaped like a clover on it too. The gems fell off when I took it out of the box when it arrived. I glued them back in. The company sent a "survey" for me to fill out asking how the transaction went. Most of my scores were good until it came to the open comment section, where I mentioned the crosses less then sterling quality. Nothing was ever said, and I expected nothing in return. They sent me a new one in the mail a week later. Apparently at no charge. They didnt have to do that, but they did, either out of guilt, or fear of bad ratings.

Its been my experience that people only feel guilt, or do whats right when they are caught doing something wrong. Either directly responsible or not. Its the same reason people hate how our environment is falling apart, but walk past trash on the ground when the trash receptacle is right in front of them.

(on a side note, smokers who throw their "butts" on the ground should be throttled with a whip)

Im trying to diet again. Success isnt guaranteed, because alot has changed since my last big attempt which succeeded. My health is in question, more-so now. But my health could be worse if I dont drop some pounds. Diabetes is a definite possibility, and heart disease. So Im trying again, despite my depression for other things, and my cravings for unlimited toppings pizza from Domino's. Two Mediums for only $19.99!

Le Sigh.

Finances are iffy. Im treading water so to speak. Could be doing alot better, but definitely could be worse off. Just glad Im employed and money is coming in.

I hate my home phones. All four of them in my room alone. Half wont stay charged and most people on the other end cant hear me for shit. The only reason there is four of them is it sucks when you are talking to someone and the battery goes dead. And Im not one to use a corded phone cuz it keeps you trapped in one place. Maybe soon I can afford new ones. Like a matching set.

There is a nifty new book Im reading. One of my favorite topics too. Decisive self defense techniques with gratuitous crotch punching.

"Combatives for street survival: Hardcore countermeasures for high risk situations" by Kelly McCann. The author is a man after my own heart. Another Former Marine with the mind set and mentality some things just dont make sense until you hit them in the head and they fall over. Walking the walk, and talking the talk is important. Good read for people afraid of their own shadows. Excellent read for people looking to sharpen their street skills. Alot of this I already knew, and apply on a daily basis. Im not in a warzone, or in combat every day. But violence can happen at any time. With a target on my back like it is every day,every little bit of insurance helps.

As time has passed, especially the last 4 years....I have noticed personality changes in me. Subtle, but noticeable. Im less tolerant of errant behavior. More vocal when people say the wrong thing near me. I could attribute it to "mentoring" by my regular partner at work. Twice my age, and street raised he has zero tolerance for anyone's bullshit. So it could be learned aggression. But I am finding more and more things I dont like. Things Im not willing to accept. Our government is screwing us. Social upheaval is on the brink. Chaos soon to follow. And we are all just going through the motions, whining about it and doing nothing. Personally speaking, Im a ball of emotions, usually reserved unless a topic of exceptionally sensitive material is discussed I open my big pie hole and express frustrations best kept to myself. Ive been so tolerant growing up, when I age the change is dramatic, and I think it effects alot more then Im willing to admit.

Enter "Asshole" Phase I.

I dont like double standards, one will do nicely TYVM.

Dont assume I can be kept on some sort of invisible leash, because it wont happen, and I attack anything which seems to take advantage of me violently and without care for the consequence.

Im becoming more and more self aware. Meaning I am becoming more and more independent. Less likely to grow any sort of attachments to people because of the changes Im seeing in me, and the world.

You get what you give.

If you cant talk to me in a civil tongue, Fuck you. If Im an asshole for things I say, you would be a FOOL to even waste your time on me in the first place. Respect is earned, courtesy given freely when its reciprocated. Dont assume me being nice as weakness. Im not a fucking doormat. We have all had bad lives in one way or another. We all suffer. We all have our trials testing us to our mental limits.

Everything is relative. I show compassion when I know whats going on, but Im not a fucking mind reader, and I have feelings too. Is that a problem? Look elsewhere.

Im not perfect. I can be only me. Misunderstandings happen. Always will. But Im tired of the guilt trips. I will not take responsibility for everything, no matter how convincing your evidence might be in your own mind.

Im the asshole. If this is true Im best ignored and forgotten. End of story.