I cant help it. Im the biggest skeptic in the world. All life has taught me is that everything directed towards me will eventually be proven to be false.

I dont like disappointments. Worse yet is the rejection which will soon follow. Nothing will cure me of this. Its a huge part of why I stay away from people. Why I dont have many friends, and why I prefer internet relationships to real life ones. I dont have to disappoint anyone this way. It makes me feel safe. Numb, but safe. You cant get hurt if you dont let anyone close enough to hurt you, by stabbing or words. Just one of the many reasons I am destined to walk my road alone. Thats the only certainty I have foreseen for my future. The one I can plan for, and accept as reality. Knowing my limits is a big deal. Knowing what I can expect to get as well.

I can use a distant example.

"Learned helplessness, as a technical term in animal psychology and related human psychology, means a condition of a human being or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected. Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses result from a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation."

I know alot of things are out of my control,despite my best efforts in the past, the outcome was always the same. This is the story of my life. And its a big part of why I just cant accept some things as truth. To me it doesnt matter, its already failed.

Im sorry. Really. But I cant explain it to anyone face to face. Im just too ashamed.