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5:11 p.m. - 2010-02-09

REM...

Shopping...

Weather...

While working the other day, a song was playing on the poorly installed radio we had in the truck. These trucks arent supposed to have music radios in them, so its kind of illegal and rebellious but anyway, we were listening to it. REM. Cant remember the title, but everytime I hear this song I am seeing flashbacks of a time in highschool. I was a member of the Key club. SOrt of like the Junior Kiwanis of America. We were responsible for organizing and carrying out educational programs and sales through the year to help the school. This particular program was the SADD fair. We made a round robin kind of display in the gym. Each period for 3 or 4 days would come in and spend 5 mins or so at each station learning why its important to not drink and drive. Since I was one of the only males in the Key club, they gave me the gross display. A snapshot video set to music. REM. It showed horrifying car wrecks, complete with body parts and people mangled in their cars.

It was the shocking display, and every 5 minutes I had yet another captive audience. I enjoyed the reactions to the horror, but also knew it was important they saw what might happen should they forget this lesson.

It also reminded me of a old highschool friends younger brother. he was a little dickhead. Sixteen years old, and always in trouble. Doing drugs, smoking and hanging out with the wrong people. Their mother was like a second mom, she was always looking out for us, even when we were up to no good. Then one day, I was told Wesley (the brother) was in a car accident. A drunk driver had hit his side of the car he was in, and he was in bad shape. me and a couple others went to the hospital a day or two later to visit him. Matt was there, and his mother. Walking to the ICU was creepy enough. Going into the room was a hard lesson in reality, and heart break. His mom was sitting at his side, holding his hand, and telling him who was there, and she loved him and everything was going to be alright. But everything wasnt going to be ok. Just looking at him in the bed. The somber looks on the faces in the room told me this was a lost cause.

Wesley had tubes in every hole he had, more IVs and shit hanging off him then anyone Id ever seen in my life. He was twitching, like a recently killed animal, and his eyes were semi open... his pulse, breathing all irregular, and controlled by machines. I knew I was was in fact for lack of a better description....looking at a vegetable. We all knew he had no brain activity. And all that was keeping him alive was machines, and the guilt of a mother.

They let him die a few days later.

I spent part of yesterday shopping in the mall for a late present. I know I stood out bigtime in the aisles of Victoria Secrets. As big as I am, and dirty, just back from work. All the girls were staring at me....and one asked if I needed help finding anything. Was hard not to feel like some sort of a sexual deviant, handling all the delicates with rough calloused hands. Trying not to stare too long at each item, or the ones on racks around you. Spastically trying to explain what I was looking for without stuttering took effort. Hoping they didnt think it was for me in the process. She looked in the stockroom, and I smiled when they gave it to me. On to the lotions. Last time I was in a VS I spent $40 on various creams and lotions. I managed to escape with only one. But not without causing a mess with one as I was smelling it with the top off. I hyeard myself curse under my breath as it was all over my hands, the floor and the container. Looking around like a lost child and walking over to a clerk as if I got caught in my mothers dresser drawer telling them "I made a mess" was embarrassing too. I ran out as soon as I could.

Id rather they sold weapons. Wouldnt have been so awkward.

They expect a foot of snow tonight into tomorrow. I have to be at work at 330am. This ought to be interesting.

My brain hurts. Ni Ni.

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