Some days I curse my active imagination. it brings up way too many outlandish, and controversial outcomes for things I havent even done yet.

It accuses and condemns the innocent. Not particularly fair is it? Like a phobia it points out possibilities I dont even want to fathom , let alone live through.

I had a waking dream late this evening. Fueled by uncertainties, and doubts Ive been feeling the past week. The effect it had on me was profound. So much so, it made me physically ill, and uneasy the rest of the day. Its not fair. Why must my shortcomings and fears play such horrid games on me while my eyes are wide open, and Ive done nothing wrong.

Neither have you..... the one in my head doing what ..... I cant finish this.

Its no wonder Ive pushed myself away from everything for so long. I make myself unavailable for anything outside the four walls I live in so I dont have to feel anything. So I dont have to cope with reality. The internet, video games, and dvds only hide the truth for so long. Ghost, the hermit.

I didnt want to point any fingers, because it is a nameless face I saw. If it is to be believed. I say this because it is the culmination of several faces and nightmares Ive lived through before. Come back to haunt me. I want to be happy for once. I have paid my dues....and learned some things. Leave me be......please.

In other news...

Everything seems to make sense the way you say things. Everything feels like it will be alright when you assure me. I want to believe. But its hard.

I either need to escape and face this thing head on, let things transpire and make the most of it....or back out now and never look back. Hindsight says worst case scenario I should be no worse off for trying then falling back.