Honestly I dont even really ponder it anymore. At least not ritualistically, on thanksgiving like everyone else. I never liked how everything had to be only on this day, or that occasion.

On a side note, like Berk said....

I grew up in a basic Roman Catholic family. Mom was born into a Lutheran household, but Dad is RC so over the years she sort of flipped sides. She has more faith in the family then any of us combined I think. As far as I know Im the only Atheist/Agnostic one in the whole bunch. My faith was lost long ago too. I just cant believe its been that long for me.

I had first communion, Mom made sure I want to religious classes after school every week. I hated it but it was sort of tradition. We even went to mass every sunday while I was growing up. It was just routine. Unlike Berk I never remembered the verses, psalms, or songs. I was just a bored kid, who didnt want his parents punishing him for falling asleep or screwing around. St Catherine's I think it was. The first church I can remember going to.

When my father hurt himself....and he lost his job everything changed for me. We stopped going to mass. Even for holidays. We stopped doing alot of things as a family. We dont even eat dinner at the same table. Only at restaurants or giant family get togethers do we sit close enough to hear each other chew. Its usually "fend for yourself" or served buffet style. We dont watch tv together, or go out together much. Its just normal for us. It isnt that we dont love one another, but we just have been programmed to do our own thing.

It wasnt until I enlisted, that I was exposed to religion in any formal sense. Mainly it was used as an escape from torture in bootcamp. Sunday you had a choice to go to Roman Catholic Services, Protestant or stay in the barracks, reading "knowledge". Which basically meant studying for tests and inspections. I can almost remember his name. Father ......Rocheford, I think. A very soft spoken, easygoing man. His voice was comforting. In a place devoid of any comfort, his presence was. He was only there for a month or so, and mysteriously disappeared off base. Unknown to us he was transferred to a new command. I never forgot him.

A year later I was sent to my first deployment on board a Naval ship. Religious services were once again made availible, and I participated in them, again as a little bit of an escape, and maybe some comfort. The chaplains can be very open to listening to problems.

Guess who the chaplain for the ship was?

Father R. I was floored, and excited. Instead of sitting in groups of thousands, I was mere feet away from a man who walked the same steps I did to get where he was. he enlisted in the Marines first, went to Vietnam .....and then became a priest. He was such a motivating force I went through classes to have confirmation. Which I was, shortly before Christmas of 1996.

My new found religious activities were noticed by a fellow mass attendee. My Battalion commander. He asked me if I would be willing to take part in the Lay Minister program through the Archdiocese of the Military.

Some classes later, I was a Lay Minister, for my entire Battalion. I even had to give religious services in different places because there was no chaplain, only faithful attendees. Before deploying I was given consecrated host to protect and carry in a special container where ever I went. It was sort of like a Catholic Survival kit. Bibles, pamphlets and medallions were carried my entire enlistment. My parents were proud.

It wasnt until my enlistment ended, when my revelation in what hard lessons life had for me where my faith died. The contradictions, the falsehoods, and empty promises were revealed.

Thats a much longer, and more pain ridden journey to take, and I dont wish to do so now. I dont mock anyone for their faith. Blind or misguided, if it comforts them. Sometimes that is enough to give someone the courage to hold out when times are at their worst. I prefer to face my suffering with the knowledge its only in my hands to make change, or to bend to the will of life.

There is no one to blame, but me if I fail.