Not really sleeping, but dreamfasting. Having fell to the pillow around 4am. I only now ujust ate something, and even that is making me sick. Maybe its the milk dated Aug2nd. Or it could possibly be my recurring stomach problem.

I know what it is, its stress.

My entry before this one was written shortly after reading my emails. Someone who is dear to me, as good a friend as I have ever had was MIA for a while, and I got worried something terrible had happened. But was relieved the next day she replied to my email, that all was better.

"I got in an accident... cutting out large details I'm ok now. Need a new laptop though gonna just buy one coming up soon. Both mine and Andrews got taken out his cell got smashed. I love you Ghost I know it's not fair really but I do. I was going to just let the accident win without a word to anyone but that's not who I am is it... it's not how I feel I am at least. Will read your diary tonight lol been a while since I peared into my Guardian Ghosts life."

Her sometimes live in friend, Andrew contacted me several days later. Four to be exact. Seeing him use her IM account to reach me made my blood run cold. You know when deep down you know something bad took place, and you are not going to like it.

The day after her email. Her heart stopped.

I feared the worst. Sometimes I hate being right, you know...

My stomach hurts so much right now I feel like I need to throw my guts up all over my desk.

She hated when I was sick, or injured. It upset her. Threatened to kick my ass if I didnt get better. When in actuality her life was far more tumultuous then mine ever was. She fought all her young life with cancer, and other medical issues which would cripple anyone. One such bought took her voice away. She could no longer speak. This was before I met her...

Ironically enough, we usually end up meeting the most amazing people when we turn our computers on. Our meeting was a chance in millions. Who would have thought after hacking this girl to death in an online videogame, we would get so close.

j-8
Dream-maker
Dream Fromund
Dreamy
Sam
Samantha
Samantha Free

So many names. The same great, Uber eccentric Punk girl you ever knew. Wicked Smart. Knowingly forgetful. It is said she lost her long term memory during a bought of illness. So she would write everything she could remember, or do.....in a notebook. Andrew admitted she has hundreds..of notebooks filled with memories, and thoughts she couldnt remember. How I would love to be able to read them.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

An essay she told me I had to read, and did. You should too.

Im surprised I found this. I had forgotten she sent it to me. Long ago.

She always thought of herself as a child. She didnt want to know about the horrors of life, and wanted to die being innocent. You see when I met her, she was in fact ready to give up, like others I have known. Lucy for example, who passed nearly 3 years ago.....was the same way. At her end.

I wanted to remember her. To pay tribute, remembrance.....

The world cannot be allowed to forget Sam. She was too important. She touched those around her. Or hit. Or clubbed with a large blue dildo. (my idea) All in the name of ordering pizza, which she couldnt do.

"They say I am crazy I am fun to be around my mind is a puzzle and to know me is to love me... my closest friend the one I talk to so much who has told me so much about me I don't even know in all honesty I had no idea his first name for the longest time. He was literaly... a Ghost..."

Patrick. But usually Ghosty. Ghostie. Or Dorktard. Derka Der...

I love you Sam. You knew I did. You worried so much about me more then most did.

"thinking about what I've gone through where I am now because of it and how hard I fought to get here... It's not perfect... nothing ever is but it's good... I am comfortable where I am and I can live with myself. So many times I thought life was just a cruel test that never ended but it's not. Everyday that I'm alive is another good day... another day I can tell those who love me goodmorning goodnight and good job. I've been through hell I've fought my battles and I will keep going through what I must to see my true end."

So ready to give up, but she kept fighting because people like Andrew...and me...and Mahri....kept her going. Its selfish to beg someone who has suffered so much, to keep suffering so that you may have them with you. But I couldnt lose her. we only just found each other. So far yet so near in things it was humbling to have stumbled upon her. What are the chances of meeting people who change our lives so much, we cant imagine never having known them? Infinitesimal. Thats what. Some things happen for a reason. Somehow, we were destined to meet, as swords clashed in the inhterwebs.

"I'm building up quite a collection of enjoyable memories as of recent... even the things that would usually push me to a point where I would be willing to tear it all down... to sacrifice the way I started so I could destroy everything in my path... has not affected me.

I'm taking comfort in being behind in this race and the only reason I know I'm behind is because the person I'm racing has already passed the finnish line... I'm ok with it though it means I can stay back and enjoy the scenery I can now see things I never spent the time to notice... I can actually sleep without crying...

Spent last night up with a friend the had some fun got incredibly distracted... didn't sleep until 5 am ohwell it's the weekend and I don need any real sleep until Monday... which is good because I can't sleep until that day anyways I have too much work to do so yes it is my own fault.

I find myself spending more time with... god dang it everything sounds better in French... mother of... *sigh* was gonna call him Ghost in German but I decided to look it up in French seeing as German is my main language and I wanted to get fancy... So Ghost you are my Fant�me... And yes I do talk to people about the Ghost inside the machine... everyone knows you everyone knows I love you... everyone wishes I'd shut up... ohwell lol..."

Andrew said it was sort of an honor to meet me. All I could think of to say was Imsorry. he who cared for her in person, even when she kicked him, from under his bed trying to sleep.....he was there. To carry her, when she fell...and take care of her when she was sick. here is a man who told me he was sorry, for me losing her. Me.

Im jealous of you Sir. You knew her far longer then I did. Got to see her smile, cry, laugh, and hit things with a bat. I showed you things about her you never knew. You told me things about her I diudnt know either. Between the two of us, its hard to imagine the complexity of her short life.

22 years is too short a time to live.

"Yesterday was a great day I suppose in the end. Ya know those days you get halfway through and think this has to be the worst day ever. In the end though you come to find that if not for today you would be not necessarily misserable... but still ignorant to reality. It didn't start off too bad I actually woke up ready for the day... spent some time listening to live DJs over a stream online and waited patiently for the only man I can probably say I'd turn straight for... hey it happens... to get online."

<3

"Where was I you all got me off topic... ah yes my straightening man

Maybe it's childish maybe it's selfish... maybe I just want what I can't have... I found out my dear friend may be sickerer than before which makes me so sad... as of recent I have dedicated a song to him called Lullaby it's a pretty song and makes me cry whenever I hear it and think about him. To lose him would kill me he doesn't just hold a special place in my heart he holds it together and without him it would fall apart all over again. The amount of times I have cried just because I could not see him that day things I have wanted to share that I never did because I couldn't find a random enough way to introduce it into the conversation... I mean come on seriously it's hard to tell someone your hand smells like Latex... you know how many questions that brings up?.. What have you been doing..? Not a damn thing shove it >.

<3 Ghosty I know you're probably on MSN with me right now and have no idea I'm writing this yet but I want you to know at this very second in time that I wuvs you mucho grande taco with extra tomatoe extra spicy chicken and with a kiss from the hot as heel waitress with a DD chest in Taco Bell I swear I didn't mean to stare they were just sorta in my face <3"

I showed Andrew all this, which is in her diary j-8 here in diaryland. He enjoyed reading it. Not many entries...but each was special. She was special.

and Im going to miss you Sam. I cant help but bawl out loud as I type this and I dont care. I love you. We loved you. Will continue to love you till we fade into time.

You are the shimmering gull in the morning breeze now. Teach others to fly. And you will always be there.