I look back on allmy years, as far back as I can remember, and I think is this how it was supposed to be? Everything I do is filled with moments of vivid thought as the seconds pass, is this how it feels to be alive, to do things, to live here and now.

Everything of importance, has been thought out, worked out, and puzzled over long before it ever happened. Like dry firing a gun to see how I will react the moment it goes off. Practicing a play before the ball is snapped, a thousand times over, so I know right then, this is what it means to be here, at this time, at this moment.

When things dont go exactly to plan, after thousands of dry fires, Im perplexed. Surprised and embarrassed if I think for a moment I let myself fail my planning. This is one of the many facets of regret which goes through my mind when I look back. The days, weeks months and years which have passed. SO many missed opportunities....daydreams, unfulfilled ambitions.

Ive never purposely tried to undermine anything. To take shortcuts. No planning, or daydreaming of how to rip people off for profit. Not mental anguish penciled in for the future. Yet Ive managed to drive people I loved away from me, when they were so close, so near and dear to me......

Maybe I wanted too much. I coveted too much, was too needy for them to provide me the level of commitment I asked for. Even though I only asked to be loved for who I was. Maybe this was too much to ask after all. Maybe, just maybe it is a task not worth taking.

I usually try to see the best in everyone, when I cant see their faces. When all I know of them is what I see when I put their words to form. My mental image of them is as perfect as they could possibly be. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to be whatever they wish to be, inside my head. That is a gift I give away freely, without ever telling them they have received it. All superheros. All the best of humanity, simply because I know of them, and they are my friends.

I only know what they tell me. I can only see what they allow me to see. So I inherently open myself up to harm, some would say by being so naive.

You only can receive love, if you open yourself to it. At least thats what Ive known to be true. It isnt possible to end personal suffering, seeking love when you close yourself off from the world. Spiting the head to save the body. You sever the head, and the body dies anyway. You cut off love from yourself, to save the rest, and it all dies. We need to risk harm, to find more for ourselves. No suffering, in my experience lasts forever. We tend to forget the pain as time passes, not entirely but sometimes its enough to take another breath. Enough to remember the good times, and to try and do better to make more good memories to draw from instead of wallowing in self regret, and pity for ourselves, severing the head to spite the body.

I remember , some years ago how horribly I suffered, at the hands of my own regrets, and anger towards myself. My days and nights spent laying in bed, not moving. Not eating, drinking, sleeping, head in my hands shaking in the dark. Weeks went by in a slow, agonizing haze of memories flashing in my mind. I thought I didnt deserve any7 sort of happiness, because of all the horrible things I mustve done to deserve such torture. My crime was I was too needy. Too nice. Too caring. I wanted to be like stone, if death didnt take me first out of self neglect.

It is a small comfort, to spend time with fictional looking characters on a screen who dont know me, then real people I have seen in the flesh. Maybe I feel safe. Still a secret, and untouchable. It is a priceless thing, having small comforts to look forward to. For it is always the little things which make the days pass for me. Like stepping stones, placed just far enough apart to make crossing the stream easier. Spaced further apart I am left to drown, with no sense of times passage and losing air fast.

Ive had many people Ive met online. Some good, some not so good. Id like to think the good ones outweigh the bad ones. Or I wouldnt waste my time on them, if its something I learned the hard way. My time here on earth is limited. The time I give to another person is either returned to me, or it is wasted, and I am done wasting time on people who dont care...

Isnt much to ask. Just be there when I need an ear to vent to. A heart to understand how I feel, when Im not feeling completely like me. To offer encouragement, even though you dont think it means much, its that little interaction which can mean the difference between total failure, and a glimmer of hope all is not lost.

Ive sometimes described myself as the lone soul in the dark. In the pit, the endless pit where no light reaches. Holding people up to see the light. Is this my way of lowering myself down so that I can understand people better? It is self sacrifice, to put myself in the shoes of others I care for, to spite myself....so they will not feel so alone, even when they can no longer see any hope left. All they need to do is reach for my hand. Just because you cannot see me, doesnt mean I am not there with you. Waiting, hoping you will reach out. All you need to do is reach out. That tells me enough to know you havent given up on yourself, and I will do my best to assure you, things will be alright. There will be light once again, and you will never be without a friend.

Im not a genius. Ive been told my IQ is just over 100 points. Hardly anything worth noting. I have no advanced degrees. No titles bestowed upon my name. Average isnt a word Id use to describe myself in anyway. For Ive never considered myself to be normal. Not by any scale ive ever seen.

Even as a young child I thought I was different, otherwise people would have treated me the same as all the other kids. Even outcasts understand this to be true. We are special. We know things. We sense more than normal people ever could. It makes us overly sensitive. Prone to depression, and anxiety. But we are special nonetheless.

It doesnt take much for us to get attached to people like ourselves, or those we feel are like us. Who have walked the path we have, out of the light. Outside of the lines. Broke the mold, set it on fire and giggled into the moonlight. We are like family.

We fear loving people, in a fear of losing ourselves. Or causing damage to people, when in fact its reversed. We fear hurting ourselves more by possibly losing those we care so much for it is unbearable. Best to sever the head now while blood still pulses out of the open wounds we create ourselves.....

I cant ever imagine not having the friends Ive met, and those Ive met in person when I met them online. My life would be even more boring, and unlivable without them. They are the most important thing to me, because they are the ones I think about all day long.

I might be a fictional name on a screen. My name means nothing though without the consciousness behind the keyboard. A ghost is still something tangible we fear, or rely on to look after us. Thats why Im here. Meet new friends, take care of old ones, and find ones who so desperately need someone to look after them.

Dont fear what you cant see. WHat you dont know might not hurt you. What you take away from yourself might.