Diddly-diddly-do....

Ned Flanders, the perpetual do gooder.

Some days, I can only take so much input. So much information, so much detail. At those moments I am to the point where my body jerks with emotion, and my conscious self reacts to things going on in my head. Like a lucid dream I cannot wake up from. Scenarios going off like firecrackers, and my mood changes drastically from one to another, usually not a good one.

When a nice little fantasy gets ripped apart... sometimes it hurts right then, or I have to think about it more for the reality to sink in. I dont like those days.

When the shower can only wash away the tears for so long, and the emptiness left behind remains. Troubled sleep follows.

My schedule has been constantly changing the last few months. Some days are a 300am start time. Weekends and some week days are normal. 7-8am starts.

I dont complain about this, because part of me thinks it makes me more valuable as an employee when my boss has the freedom to use me wherever he is shorthanded, or there is a conflict of interest with others. Maybe its job security, or maybe Im just a pushover fearing losing the only source of income I got.

My sister Jenn hasnt been doing too well lately. Pregnant with her second child, a girl she is suffering from a more profound case of gestational diabetes then with her first child. She also had her gall bladder removed after her first child and it may be playing a part this time. Its a toss up, from having to inject insulin into her body, my autistic nephew screaming out for no apparent reason, and her raging hormones she was hospitalized a couple weeks ago. She drove herself to the hospital, for a evaluation for mental health. She had been crying endlessly for hours, without reason or cause. I suspected a great many causes, postpartum depression for one, and her near emotional breakdown outbursts make me sick to my stomach. Simply because there is nothing I can do to help her through this. But Im sure she will recover after the baby is born in Feb.

The economy, shouldnt have to be mentioned or its affects on everything. To include myself.

It will get worse before it gets better. Hopefully better comes soon.

I wish you could understand what goes on in my head. How it will be impossible for me to ever forget who you are. The short experiences Ive had with you although brief will be lasting. I knew you were special when I stopped killing you that day.

As ironic as that statement is, please dont ask me to forget. I am incapable of forgetting, and I will continue to do so till the end of my days.

I really, really need a backrub. Or a good scratching. that works too.