I cant even begin to count the times ive felt that way myself. Wether drowning in my own misery would be faster than a bullet in the mouth would be. Rationalizing it sends chills up my spine just as it did back then. Could the answer really be that simple.......

You have said it numerous times. Over and over like many of us who seem to be trying to get ourselves to remember something important. Or rather convince oursleves its the truth. Why we even bother waking up in the morning when we take a step back and realize how poorly we have set our affiars. I am a good example of this.

Lets start with finances. Usually a major trigger for any emotional episode whoever you are. I lost nearly $2 an hour after returning from the gulf. And my company took away 10 hours of overtime for each man and woman. Per week. I have lost hundreds of dollars per payday, since Febuary. Basically Im making 30% less now then when I left for school. My cart payments were half what they are now. Insurance has tripled with the new suv. I also have two student loans to pay back (which I fear will cause me even more grief soon) not counting all the other lost causes (my bills) of the past which still make the phone ring at all hours, seven days a week.

I think my brain has ulcers from all this excitement.

My medical condition alkthough not immedately fatal, is testing my will to make future plans. Earn a living. And visualize any smidgen of a relationship which could bear fruit for a man with a crippling disease. This will ultimately kill me, and who wants to care for a 30 year old man who cant provide for himself let alone a family.....

There is no safe harbor here. No peace of mind. Each day brings new challenges like "can I eat today?" or the ever popular "will they take everything away this time?". I dont care who you are, looking over your shoulder, and staring at your feet for answers can drive anyone to a cliffs edge.

I dont know why I didnt die all those times. What stopped me. Family? I suppose. The guilt of shaming them? Perhaps. But choosing death over life is a selfish act anyway, so why the hell would I let something like family, or loved ones stop me from suffering?

That is the conundrum isnt it? The guilt of what will happen afterward. If there wasnt that residual guilt there would be alot more dead bodies in the world.

Ive come to accept the fact that the only one who will do anything to help me is me. Few people would stick their necks out if there wasnt something there for them to gain. Unless the investment pays dividends they could care less.

Years have passed. Im not as depressed as I used to be. Maybe Im jaded a little more. Less open to naiveity. Taking it one day at a time leaves less room for failure as long as I dont kill myself or others before bed it was a good day. Setting the bar lower, taking more time for myself then I had in the past. And maturing as the years have passed have mellowed my emotions some.

I want so much. Children, a family of my own. But they seem so unrealistic now. So out of reach. Being free of my debts. Living a long fruitful life.

One could over analyze the factors of philosophy involved or say you get what you give never saw life through the eyes of those who were kicked while they were down. Im sure those kids died of cancer because they deserved it. Good people are robbed, raped and killed because they didnt pass along enough in the tithe plate. "Life" doesnt reward or punish us this way. It just is, those uncountable circumstances which keep us on our toes....or more accurately our bloody knees.

I am sorry my dear, for all that keeps you up at night. Plagues you during the day and silently tortures you when you are forced to smile for the world. The burden of life isnt always fair. But you dont have to carry it alone. There are those around you who do care. More accurately who worship you for just being there for them.

I hope that is enough to keep you with us. I really do.

My best always...