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6:18 p.m. - 2007-07-21

I managed to sleep in till 11am today, minus the one break that my bladder screamed for relief.

I felt it starting late last night after work. The pain, the swelling. My gout returning, and now its screaming at me again. I will of couyrse need meds, will need to see the doctor and resolve this latest outbreak. Of course I realize this is only to get worse in time, and it is not going away ever.

Someone on myspace wrote of the fact Alpha 1 sufferers dont live much further than the early 40's. Of course I dont believe it, but the thought still scared the shit out of me. Dying only years away having accomplished nothing. No family, no career. My dreams all but stolen from me after tasting them briefly. Which only led me to scary dreams of which I will not speak. If I did they would commit me for sure.

Mom had me drive her to work this evening. Walking was a pain, so was using the pedals as its my right foot which is affected.

Lately Ive been extremely facinated by videos of people operating on themselves in regards to infections and abcesses. Meaning watching pus and goo shoot and dribble from open wounds keeps me locked to the screen in anticipation. DIsgusting for sure, but it still captivates me. I remember many years ago my right heel began to swell for no apparent reason. There was no puncture, no infection or cause as to the pain I was experiencing. My dad, a former navy corpsman told me it was a boil, and needed to be drained. I was 10 or 12 years old therabouts and any painful medical procedures scared the crap out of me. We first dressed the boil with drawing salved for a few days. A small white head appeared as thwe salve took effect.

My dad told me it wouldnt hurt, and he began cutting into the thick skin of my heel to the core of the boil with a small exacto knife. When it was dfone I said I wanted to be the one to squeeze because in my head I wouldnt hurt myself as much.

The first smalol squeeze sent a white stream of lumpy goo at my parents. Wow. Thats all I could say. Eventually hours later I managed to milkj out all the goo using various instruments of purging. To include standing on a piece of steel tubing cut ton act as a conduit of goo. It hurt pretty bad.

I dunno, I cant take my eyes off diffrent types of infectious waste. Eacvh ius unique, and its something which reminds me we are more alike than we would like to think. We are human, we have weaknesses and we all suffer similarly. We all hacve acne. We all get hurt, or sick. We just hide our infections, and defects diffrently, but with the same reasoning. We are ashamed.

I want a black kitten. I dont know why but Ive wanted one for a while now. Something to love me, and sleep with.

The rest of the day will be spent watching dvd's and looking at porn. After all, a man has needs.

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