Sort of like being in a dingy which is sinking in a sea of shit. You do have a shovel but as much as you sling, twice as much enters over the sides.

Thursday and Friday I took off of work. I had to pay my last respects, and bury what was my oldest living relative. Uncle George. He was 90. And I will miss him.

I started wearing my concealable carrier under my work shirt. It makes me sweat horribly. But having spent $1300 for a sweat producing vest but the one time I dont wear it I will regret it forever.

I spent the majority of Saturday at the VA emergency room. I was poked and prodded from 2pm to 11pm that night. It ended with a ultrasound aka: echogram. They couldnt find a reason for my visit...other than I was having severe upper abdominal pain all day.

Its getting harder and harder to dream. So often my dreams are jinxed by real life events and even harmless fantasies are feeling like far fetched nonesense. They dont play out as I would hope, and they leave me feeling empty, confused and disconnected. Which means dreaming has become an unsatisfying weaste of time. It wasnt always the case. Dreaming was my favorite pastime. I have the bad grades all through school to prove it.

I played with Aiden Friday night after the burial. I was throwing a overstuffed dr pepper toy at him like it was a huge heavy thing, he loved every second. So did I. I live for great reactions.

I promised my sister when he aged more Id start taking him places. And Im happy to say Im looking forward to it. I need motivation again.

I did three loads of laundry today. This is a record for me, as I havent done laundry in oh...a year now.

Shaddap.

I miss everyone. I miss hearing from you all. It keeps me going. Really. Reactions keep me going.....

Like a knee jerk reaction.