My new HEPA mask. Contoured to fit my face, so I didnt have to wear a bulky gas mask stule filtered mask. But When I opened it, the filters were correct, the mask was wrong. Bastards. Multiple calls, and disconnects I eventually got a human beings voice. I was to send the old one to them, and a replacement would arrive today.

I came home to another box. In this box was my new mask.

No.

It was another filter replacement.

It isnt often Im stunned into silence. This was one of those times.

Accortding to the police instructor I ordered the body armor from it should be in my hands by weeks end, early next week. It too 6 weeks but I guess quality takes time. They inspected the damn thing 3 times extra.

Gout is still making life difficult. Despite meds, it is not going away.

I just want a neck to nestle into, arms to wrap around me and a soft voice to tell me things will be alright.

Fat chance.

I would hate for Luci to have seen me this way. All the things she lived with, and Im taking my setbacks like a child would. She would be ashamed of me.....

I will take a pic of me wearing the mask when I get it.......eventually. And the new armor too. The mask and the armor and look like some future cop or something. Like a bad B rated movie....

I daydream all day long. Inbetween stops, in stops, taking a whizz. Eating even when sleeping. And its always the same dreams. The same things I tease myself with, knowing damn well I will never see them. Only see others have those dreams fullfilled. Its this time when I realize all the best intentions, mean nothing next to the cold hard facts.

I dont have the luck, or the cards in my hand to play the hand I know will win. Like a losing lottery ticket, you know you can play, but thinking you can win is only going to get you in trouble.