I always had suspicions most of my life something was wrong. That something was diffrent. But how I felt was just normal you know? Gasping for air after a run was me just being out of shape. The chest congestion which never went away. Fatigue, and difficulty finding the energy to do things. Other undescribable physical quirks which have revealed themselves a few times over the years.

Some hard facts about this condition:

Over 75% of the population of the USA alone carry the gene responsible for the disorder but it lies dormant. Thats 3 of every 4 people you pass on the street. It takes both parents having the gene, and actually passing it on for the severe condition to take place.

A-1 antitrypsin deficiency...or Aplha 1 isnt very common.

100,000 cases of the condition exist amoung billions. Most doctors have never treated a patient with it. And those who have the numbers of patients can be counted on one hand.

So far me and my brother have it...in one family. I wish our odds for lottery were as good as this condition was.

Specifically, Alphas (what patients are called) are born with a liver which does not produce a particular enzyme. Antitrypsin. This enzyme has many functions. It helps the lungs fight infection, and stops toxins from damaging the lung tissue. They are varied and you know many of them. Cigarette smoke is the biggest hazard. Fumes, dirt, mold, mildew and exhaust are some of them.

This weakening of the lungs leads to lung disease if left untreated. Emphesema(spelling?) is a possible outcome. Far sooner due to the disease then old age. Meaning my lungs are more susceptable to infection, and damage then most newborns. Any contamination causes immediate long term damage.

This lack of antitrypsin also causes the liver to fail in breaking down toxins which have entered by inhalation, abosrbtion through the skin or ingested.

SUppliments, most drugs, and alcohol will also cause the liver to break down and eventually fail. Smokers can inadvertenly cause my liver and lungs to break down.

I am already certain after 32 years there is definate damage. How much is unknown.

My doctor spoke to me today about pulmonary doctors wanting to see me as soon as possible. Tests need to be done, and treatment options discussed. There is no cure. But there is treatment. Without treatment means a death sentence.

But my problems dont end there.

Lung disease, is a automatic disqualification for diving. So my school training, tuition, and dreams of diving for a living are now dead. No one will hire me with this life long condition which will require a doctors care for the rest of my life. This also means it will be very hard to find health insurance. Pre existing conditions will also make me unfavorable for most carriers of health insurance.

Ive tried crying. But I stop myself.

I need to get this all out.

But knowing what I know now...my life would have ben so diffrent if I knew as a child what my fate was.

I would have never been a Marine. They would not have taken me.

I could have never been a diver.

Many of the things I did growing to who I am today would have never happened. I have no regrets.

I will mourn for a while. But I wont give up. Now its a fight for life. I can either do the right thing, and fight or I can give in.

I hate quitting.

But I cant pretend happiness. Im so used to dissapointment, rejection, and hardship who knew it maybe was preparing me for this day.

I will go on. But I am in fact a broken man. There is no changing this fact.

And my heart is heavy.

Im sorry for being so negative.