Nervously I dressed myself yesterday morning in a shirt and tie, shoes and slacks. Nervously I entered my answers onto my final exam checking twice and rethinking my choices. Nervously I waited the rest of the morning after three hours of hell (test) to find out if I passed or not, or if I would even graduate that day.

Walking into the instructors office they give you your final grade in private. The last indignation my instructor gave me was handing me the final exam face down. Turning it over my heart lept and I breathed the sigh of relief I waited a long 5 months to have. Final score was 95 out of 100. They dropped another word for me, as it was also the highest score out of the entire class.

"dont f*cking tell me that, your sh*tting me right?"

They werent.

Three out of the 11 who took the exam didnt pass. We graduated 8 students of a starting class of 16. My parents showed up just in time to see me get my diploma, with my sisters and nephew in tow. An unexpected surprize.

I was proud. It felt real, sorta. Surreal, but it was a positive emotion. We toured the school, took picutres then left to see if we could go see the USS New Jersey which was moored nearby to the old school. it was closed when we finally got there. Dad was bummed.

We met up with my friend charlie who came late but arrived despite traffic to a dinner at Olive Garden. All you can eat pasta.

Before we were seated someone from D-land sent me a message. There was something they needed to tell me. They hesitated when they found out today was a celebration day. I persisted in having them tell me what was going on.

There was something I needed to read they said. I asked if it was bad. They nodded. My heart sank. Somehow, I already knew right then what was wrong, what my heart was telling me.

She was gone.

She started reading my diary a couple of years ago.

Rainmustfall September 12th 2006

"Luci and I talked a LOT while she was in the hospital. She said that she missed typing up on diaryland. She wishes she could have actually spoke to the man she named her son after. She wishes she could have met anyone she ever spoke to on here. She found everyone so facinating."

Written by her husband Trent.

I wanted to see you too Luci. I sobbed in Olive garden while people were trying to ask me what I wanted to order until they saw the tears, then everyone fell silent. Chocking back emotion, and sobs I could barely speak as my throat had swollen shut. I cannot say how cheated I felt. Selfish as it seems, she was stolen from me, Trent, her only child and her entire family. Not to mention the world.

All I could think was the last I knew she was cured. Remission.

05/03/2006

"it has been nice talking to those who i did talk to. i would have to say a big thanks to patrick, not my son, but the person i named him after. you stuck with me and listened to me quite a bit. you've seen my whole life turned around. i was expecting to die. and you sat there and listened and it has just been wonderful speaking with you."

She said I saved her. Inspired her to seek treatment after they told her her cancer was a death sentence. I refused to beleive this young girl was on deaths list. She took my advice and sought treatment. She won. She was in remission. She married, concieved and bore a beautiful son. Honouring me with naming him after a man she had never met, but by reputation only.

I have no children. She shared hers with me. Her and Trent. There is no way I can repay that, no matter how I try.

Maybe I never told her more how she was also an inspiration to me. How her zest for life made me feel like going out and siezing all that surrounded me and making it mine. Dear girl.... you were more of an inspiration to me than I was to you. In the short years I knew you, you did more than I have in a lifetime. Married on the same beach I was supposed to marry on years ago. Succeeded in having a healthy baby when I lost my only child before it was born.

I am so sad. Tis all I can say. I will never get the oppertunity to get that hug you promised me so long ago.

It embarrasses me to ask... beg even to you Trent. Please, let me come and visit someday. Someday soon. I need to see her resting place, to speak to her. Assure her I will protect her family as best I can. To be there for Trent, and her son which bears my name. So he knows why she and Trent named him after me. I know thats alot to ask anyone. Injecting myself into the private lives of others but it may be the only way I can find peace with this. Know also that I mourn for the entire family. it isnt often that I shed tears, but when I do it means something important. So I ask humbly, allow me to complete the circle Luci began.

Luci was put in this world to remind all of us what it means to be alive. That succeeding when others only see failure is reason enough to try harder, and struggle when it seems hopeless. I know she would have been proud of me yesterday. And I hope she knows I thought about her everyday. She wont be forgotten. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Donate to cancer research. Even a little bit matters. Read her thoughts. Know her dreams and do it for her, or anyone else you wish never had been taken away from you.

I love you too miss luci.